Once upon a time there was me and I was a Type A.
It was quite normal for me to work, take care of my ex-husbands practice, volunteer (over volunteer), plan in detail for too many things, make time to see friends, etc. and look like I was doing it all with ease.
Flash forward to today….since my heart attack I feel so disorganized. Beyond even. I don’t feel like the Kat I was. I’m told to learn to accept my new “NORMAL”. No, honestly I don’t want to accept this new normal. I’m not thrilled that I have such low beats per minute at times that I am so tired, I hate that I forget to take care of things, I’m over not having patience like I used to, I resent that this happened to me.
However; it’s not always this way and I truly do try and stay in acceptance for my new normal. I try hard daily to accept that I can’t remember things the way I used to, that one day I will find a new normal and lets be real…..My old normal wasn’t normal. I over did it. I took care of everyone BUT me. My new normal will need to have balance and self care. I had this A-Ha moment tonight that what I lacked during my old normal was self care. I saw tonight that what I went through in my marriage and life in general it was a lot to handle without support. I never asked for help. I lacked self care.
So the thing that keeps coming up for this post is change. Change is hard. Change takes us to the other side. Changing my beliefs of who I need to be to feel like I matter or that I’m a good person was so skewed that I lost me, snapped and became someone I wasn’t, started to find me and in the end trying to hold onto a relationship that wasn’t meant to be caused me to have a heart attack. Stress, type a woman and I could have died. I’ve learned new things about me through this change and I’ve learned and continued to learn that I’m good no matter what job I have, how much I volunteer, or what I do for others. I’m learning outside of my kids and even before them I need to matter. I need self care and need to let go of the type a person I used to be.
Until next time…