It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”
Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.
I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.
I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.
I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.
Something I’ve kept to me because, let me be honest, admitting that you have IBS isn’t the kind of thing that people just discuss.
I have grown accustom to planning my medications based on what I am doing that day.
For instance, today, I knew I would be out with my daughter and my mother. I skipped my Linzess. I wanted to be sure that I did not get an upset stomach when I was out because it is never fun to be sick when you are out. Especially if you are unsure that there is a restroom available and one that is private.
Like a gift that keeps on giving, my IBS D decided to visit anyhow. I hate that I need to rush to a restroom, and I’m embarrassed when I leave the bathroom because I’m sure that they know I’ve just been sick.
I realized today how debilitating IBS can be. I don’t take the Linzess, and IBS C happens, and with the Linzess, my body goes to the opposite, and IBS D becomes a problem.
Things I’ve avoided the past couple of years due to this gift that keeps on giving:
Hikes through the Hollywood Hills
The beach for day trips
Long car rides through the desert or up the coast
I felt it was time to share this. The point of my blog is to show others they aren’t alone with conditions that they may feel uncomfortable with. I hope that sharing this helps others to know they’re not alone. I do hope that over time these issues will not stop me from living the life I want to live.
On this 42nd day of my journey into blogging, I still need to schedule the daily things I do to make me feel good about myself. I even include my daily medications because taking my daily medications can be missed. I get too sucked in to “what needs to be done right now” and forget about what keeps me sane.
Since I get distracted easily, I’ve made my weekly schedule something I check off to keep myself accountable for taking care of myself. Part of this daily schedule is blogging. It seems to be something I often miss since I have not blogged for the past 12 days. What is that? The amount I’ve blogged over the past 42 days is more than I have in the past couple of years. That’s progress, not perfection, and a great example of growth.
My blog is part of my self-care. It is something that brought joy to me. My previous blog was about helping women living with PCOS to see that they can battle PCOS with grace, just as I do. I hope to get back to that. To get to be a forum where I can post things to help others and still live a fun life and share that part of me too. Finally, to continue to be honest that it’s not always easy. I’m harder on myself than anyone could be, and I hope that I can change my perspective on myself over time, doing these daily things to make me feel good.
Daily To Do Check-Off List:
Daily Alanon Readings & Some Writing
Daily Gratitude Email (7+ years strong with the same 5 women)