It’s a yearly tradition to go to this show featuring Danny Elfman. It’s a tradition with me and two friends. This year I had to be honest that before this show I couldn’t afford to pay my ticket. Life’s much different right now. I’m worried about how I will get by the next couple of weeks with certain bills due and a boy who needs a haircut (this is happening today, it has to).
Humility is good for us all to experience from time to time. I think it keeps us grounded. I was honest with my one friend that I couldn’t pay her until I received my grant around the 1st of November and it was nice to hear she still wanted me to go and I could pay her when I could.
I have to remember to accept kindness when living within my means and being honest where I am financially. I used to be able to do whatever I pretty much wanted but life happened and for a while life is going to be much different. I don’t like to ask for help either. I don’t feel like I can return the help for some time and that makes me worry and feel guilt. Even though I used to help others, it’s hard for me to accept help.
I can’t live in fear of how I’ll pay my bills or feed my children. I have clothes that are old, with holes in sweaters, shoes that I need to purchase BUT I do actually have a lot of clothes and at this point I need to make do with what I’ve got or repair said clothes with holes and I have been doing this.
This is continuing to be a great and uncomfortable growth lesson and I hope it doesn’t always feel more bad than good. I have to remember I’m doing this to better myself and my children and the outcome is what I need to be focused on. Tomorrow I’m also starting a 40/40 day challenge. I hope this too will help me declutter and be OK with me.
This morning I went to the restroom as I normally do BUT I also went to weigh myself. My scale is missing.
Last night I gave said scale to my boyfriend. I may have this problem weighing myself too much and then the scale decides how I feel about me.
I was thin until I was 21. I was then diagnosed with PCOS after gaining 100 lbs. in a year. I tried everything to lose the weight but it seems I have the insulin resistance form of PCOS so I had gastric bypass in 2007 at the suggestion of an Endocrinologist who noted that if this evasive form of the bypass is done then it can reverse the PCOS symptoms. It worked. I was thin again but let me note that I was not a stick. I’m 5″4 and when I got down to 135 lbs. I looked sickly. I’m blessed with hips which I love so at 5″4 140 is about perfect for me.
Now mind you though after I lost said weight I now suffer from body dysmorphia. Why? When I look in the mirror I see the old me. I don’t see the me that lost and kept the weight off. I also didn’t have the overeating issue so for me it was truly helping with a medical condition.
Then we welcome year 2016. In March of 2016 due to reasons I would love to keep private I had a SCAD Heart Attack. It’s a Sudden Coronary Artery Dissection. I was told I couldn’t exercise the way I used to and I can’t lift more than 10 lbs. and I should never have children again (luckily I was done) and and and….so many restrictions. I’m used to being active. I’m used to self care through taking care of myself physically.
So it’s now 2018. I’ve gained weight and the PCOS makes it harder to lose the weight but not impossible. I noticed I was obsessing on my weight. Like buying apps to monitor my food and weighing myself a lot. That’s not good for my mental health. I gave my scale to my boyfriend last night and said I don’t want it back for 30 days. I’m going to eat healthy and be good to me taking a bit of the “You have to lose weight” stress off my plate and see what happens. Life’s short. I’m not, nor are you guaranteed tomorrow and I’m tired of this being a issue for me. I UNDERSTAND I have health issues going against me. I also understand that I’m worthy of good toward myself and that I also am a lucky gal to have a boyfriend who supports me and who loves my body just as it is. Flaws and all and he lets me know this often. He never judges my body and I notice I judge my body MORE than anyone.
So let’s let the challenge begin. This blog was to get me back and here’s another way I can be honest and work on things. You never know, it could help someone later like my old blog on PCOS did.
Until next time….
I’m 42. This blog has been with me since 2007 BUT I’ve wiped out all of my posts from public view and they’re now 100% private. A glimpse into my past that only I need to see. This blog, I’ve neglected it. For numerous reasons…we will leave it at that. My life over the past three years has changed drastically. For starters 2016 included a heart attack, end of 19 year relationship and loss of job I had for the better part of eighteen years. Lots of very big life changes. I want this blog now and going forward to be the beautiful and often scary moments starting over at 42.
Currently I’m in school full time (turns out I was very lucky with that job and now no one will hire me without a degree) to get a bachelors degree so I can then become a CPA. I also work part time. Very different than almost 2 years ago when losing my job on December 1, 2016 was the end to a very bad year.
Last week I met with my Financial Aid helper. He asked what happened to me. He asked because (this is where I get really real) in 2016 I made about 70k, in 2017 I made about 30k and this year, in 2018 I receive food stamps and get Medi-Cal for insurance. Speaking of insurance I just was able to refill my meds and I need my heart meds. I’ve paid for my own insurance since I was 21 and now I can’t.
Here’s the thing I’ve been hiding how hard my life is financially from most people I know. I believe because I have shame. I shouldn’t. I’ve worked most my life. I put my ex-husband through school even. I just forgot to take care of me. So in the process of taking care of me I get to struggle a little. One day I won’t be struggling and my journey can show others that they too can get through things.
So, if you keep up with me I’m going to be brutally honest about how days are for me. I’ll also be sharing the good that comes from personal growth. Life is quite beautiful at the end of the day.