Days 4 & 5…

Yesterday was hard. I am struggling with not overreacting to situations I am sure others do not overreact to. I have a 12-year-old and 17 year old at home who like to test my patience. I feel that all I hear from either of them are excuses. Today was the best example of the week when said 12-year-old did not want to mess up his shoes and wanted to climb over my seat. As I caught him, there was a muddy shoe print there. Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up. I was able to stop a complete disaster, but I need a break from anyone under 18.

I’m curious if what I am experiencing is “Autistic Burnout.” I have read up on it and done some research online. I feel I do suffer from burnout quite often, but because I do mask, it may not seem like burnout to me, but instead, my nerves are on overload, and I feel, so anxiety driven and exhausted. I hate how this feeling is that I just want to run away, and I am set off so easily. Either way, I hope as I uncover more about autism and how it is different for each individual that, I can process life a little easier.

I know we do not want to wish anyone the feelings I feel, but I hope to find some comfort and familiarity with other women suffering from burnout. I want to know when it is ok to say, “I need to recharge,” and take a break from people. This also brings up my problem with boundaries and difficulty setting and sticking to them. I know I cannot be upset with others if I do not have firm boundaries set in place.

This journey is truly like an onion being peeled. Layer after layer, uncovering the Kat I really am.

Day 3…

Once upon a time, the cute brunette here received her GED after years as an HR Director to show her kids you can accomplish goals at any age, and well, we had a 1950’s inspired party to celebrate. A few short weeks later, I had my “event,” and believe it or not, the smiles I showed here were false. I was a mess, being gaslit and struggling to feel normal. I am so grateful that early 2016 is many moons ago, and I’m thankful for my life today. I earned my bachelor’s in English Education, found out I’m autistic and suffer from PTSD, and I’m living my best life through it all. So odd that coming across a photo can stir up so many memories, good and bad. So grateful for my life today, even on the rough days!

This photo is also a great reminder of why I began to take care of myself more. If I had known in 2016 I was autistic as well, would it of made a difference? Would I have felt so much sensitivity to what was going on then? I’m so grateful that now and since my “event,” I’ve gained tools to walk through life so much easier.

Day 2…

I took a break today from educating myself on being autistic. However, I did have to venture into a Target and only messed up twice, briefly, by talking to people with my nervous energy, BUT I did notice what I was doing, which was a big victory. I thought about what I was doing. It has been hard keeping quiet and not talking to strangers because of my social anxiety, but I’m glad my eyes are open more to my little quirks.

That’s all for now. I do need a day off.