Today I’ve been in the “I’m not worthy frame of mind” and I’ve learned there’s ways to stop those thoughts and turn it around. So I will list what I like about me. Some things deep and some things simple but they all add up to moi!!!
What is great about Moi:
- I’m good at being there for others.
- I’m Tina Fey funny. Ask most strangers who meet me.
- I can do great hairdos that look vintage.
- I have great feet with my amazing kids tattooed on them.
- I can rock a a-line dress.
- I sing great off key and my kids love it.
- I enjoy reading.
- I have a great laugh.
- The best amateur ballerina (in my own mind).
- I can make great gluten free desserts.
- I remember landmarks when traveling so I’m great to travel with.
- I make awesome pancakes.
- I love talking to strangers. You never know if it will make their day or mine.
- I’ve been sober half my life.
- My tattoos all have meanings.
Ok, here’s 15 things I like about moi. There’s so much more. So….when my head thinks bad things I can always do little lists reminding me how awesome I really am.
This is a huge growing curve for me. This is the least amount of money I’ve lived on, I have no healthcare at the moment BUT when school is finished I will be on another path that won’t be so hard.
Where do I begin? Let’s start with yesterday I made it to 21 years sober. That’s literally half my life. Through my sobriety I’ve been through a ton of good and a ton of bad and right now life is in session.
I’ve so not been good with keeping up with my blog and you know I’m not beating myself up. I have found what I’ll be using my blog for. My blog that used to be filled with PCOS info, gluten and dairy free yummy goodness and life as I knew it will now be a whirlwind of….
- Living with PCOS
- Living with heart disease
- Struggling as a single mom in school full time so I can better myself and show my kids you can start over.
- New relationship adventures
- Life as I know it with some fun and growing pains
Right now I’m so struggling. Half the time I want to give up. I get sad that I lost me and that my kids have so much with my ex and he’s a good dad to them but I feel cheated.
My weight is a HUGE issue for me right now as well. Living barely week to week I can’t afford the way I need to eat and it’s hard because with PCOS I’m supposed to eat gluten and dairy free and when my kids are with me I need to cook for them. I never want to be fat again. I would rather die. Sad fact but true. I remember how I was treated and looked down upon and I won’t go back to living like that. Tonight I bought myself healthy food and though it will cost more I have to eat right for my health and especially since my soon to be 18 year old was also diagnosed with PCOS.
Good news is I’m in school. It’s so different not attending in over 20 years but it makes me feel good about me and this fall I’ll be taking ballet again. Silver lining for when I feel low about myself.
The man I met, it’s been almost two years of us being together. He’s good to me but I worry I’m not good enough. I felt that way in my last relationship as well. This may just be a me, self esteem issue. Alanon is my friend still.
This was a mess of a post but it’s a start.
Daily or often I want to chronicle what it’s really like starting over. The good and bad of it all. One moment and sometimes one heart beat at a time.
So day 44 and I’m not in the best of spaces. Not because life sucks, nope life’s for the most part good BUT my relationship with micro cardiovascular disease gets the finger. Dealing with my FMD and being a woman gets the finger. Not feeling like I can see doctors without stressing about work gets the finger.
So yesterday my period started and guess what? Waking yesterday without any prior pms symptoms I knew I was getting my period yesterday. I knew from the tightness in my neck, the ringing in my ears, my lack of concentration, the lightheaded feeling and my new heightened sense of emotion. All of this I didn’t go to bed with and all of this I woke with and I knew 100% my period would arrive yesterday and it did.
For someone who isn’t supposed to stress because it can cause another heart attack I seem to stress a lot.
The kicker is until Friday I don’t have healthcare because I can’t afford it. Next month I’ll be on track but single mom with unexpected expenses equals healthcare a few days late. So I keep doing all I can to remain calm. Not like I can take time off I feel but I have no sick pay. Good times.
This is reality sometimes. These are times I feel so alone. Today I really felt it and these are times that I see a lot of the pain or disappointment I feel is my own making. Heck why’d I have a heart attack? (Ok rare disease plus stress caused it) so really not all my doing.
At this moment I don’t feel together. I feel punished. I feel like I’ll always be alone and I have two kids who need me to be my best and sometimes I just want to be taken care of. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about healthcare or bills or that I’m doing good by my kids. This too shall pass.
In the big scheme I’ve not blogged for almost two weeks because life was in session and mostly good but mostly busy and I’m really working on taking care of me and right now this is the ugly side of having two rare artery conditions and I know in a couple of days these feelings will pass but today this journey is hard.