So day 44 and I’m not in the best of spaces. Not because life sucks, nope life’s for the most part good BUT my relationship with micro cardiovascular disease gets the finger. Dealing with my FMD and being a woman gets the finger. Not feeling like I can see doctors without stressing about work gets the finger.
So yesterday my period started and guess what? Waking yesterday without any prior pms symptoms I knew I was getting my period yesterday. I knew from the tightness in my neck, the ringing in my ears, my lack of concentration, the lightheaded feeling and my new heightened sense of emotion. All of this I didn’t go to bed with and all of this I woke with and I knew 100% my period would arrive yesterday and it did.
For someone who isn’t supposed to stress because it can cause another heart attack I seem to stress a lot.
The kicker is until Friday I don’t have healthcare because I can’t afford it. Next month I’ll be on track but single mom with unexpected expenses equals healthcare a few days late. So I keep doing all I can to remain calm. Not like I can take time off I feel but I have no sick pay. Good times.
This is reality sometimes. These are times I feel so alone. Today I really felt it and these are times that I see a lot of the pain or disappointment I feel is my own making. Heck why’d I have a heart attack? (Ok rare disease plus stress caused it) so really not all my doing.
At this moment I don’t feel together. I feel punished. I feel like I’ll always be alone and I have two kids who need me to be my best and sometimes I just want to be taken care of. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about healthcare or bills or that I’m doing good by my kids. This too shall pass.
In the big scheme I’ve not blogged for almost two weeks because life was in session and mostly good but mostly busy and I’m really working on taking care of me and right now this is the ugly side of having two rare artery conditions and I know in a couple of days these feelings will pass but today this journey is hard.
So, have been enjoying life on life’s terms and I work six days a week too but when a friend wants to share exciting news with you on day seven you meet her for coffee at 8am.
I was able today to be present for her. To cry happy tears for her and to let her know my joy for her. To not be in my head and to be fully present for her was a plus.
My head can be a slippery slope to things being bad when they’re not. My life for the past couple of years was a lifetime movie or great material for a stand up act. Today it’s slowly becoming a good place where I don’t need to fear so much about the other shoe dropping and what bad is going to happen.
It was a blessing to be able to hear the news from my friend and be in a good place to be genuinely happy for her. From this moment one on one to other moments I know I have a lot of paying it forward to do with friends. I know I need to catch up with family. Did I mention I’ve now sent out some Happy New Years cards? Oh yeah and still in January and included for family current photos of the kids.
I’m not ready to take on the world but approaching the two year anniversary for my SCAD heart attack and how bad things were I’m seeing how much I’ve grown in almost two years.
Here’s to growth. The good and growing pains of it.
Until next time.
Comfort zones. We all have them. They make us feel safe and for me it’s the women at the meetings I attend in the valley because they’re who I know and what I know and for me change is scary and I don’t want to be judged. Like anyone’s judging me because generally alcoholics are pretty self centered. Hence me worried what others will think of me.
Flash forward to this past Tuesday and attempting to sit in traffic for two plus hours to go to a meeting in the valley when of course there’s meetings everywhere. SO…I took my sponsors advice and decided to find a meeting near me and guess what party people I found one. 11 minutes and less than 3 miles I believe away from me and guess what else???? I was welcomed and deep within I knew I would be and even better I met a woman who told me about two other women’s meetings like five minutes away from me. Imagine that.
So tonight, walking through my own self centered fears I found that I can fit in anywhere when it comes to my program and I’m grateful that I walked through the fear because it was nice being in a room of women tonight hearing honesty and hearing things I so needed to hear.
Until next time…