It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”
Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.
I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.
I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.
I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.
I’ve missed quite a few blogging days, but life indeed does happen. Since the 1st of July, when I last wrote, the kitten we adopted needed to be put down. It turns out he was born with Parvo, and he was just too sick. He was only 1.8 lbs when I was at the emergency vet with him. It was a hard decision to make.
I’ve also started a side job to help with life within our joint family as my partner has been going through it since he’s in production. Times genuinely are tough for so many right now.
I’ve found that I need to take better care of myself when it comes to perceiving myself. I am too hard on myself and in many ways. I have been struggling, which comes to no surprise with my weight. I fear that if I am overweight, people, strangers will judge that possibly I overeat or I have no discipline, but that is not the case.
I listened to this podcast over the weekend where a woman talked of body positivity. She discussed mourning the clothes we have for when we “lose” the weight we have gained. I’m going to work on mourning that bottom drawer in my dresser.
Some days it does feel like I’m trying to tackle so much to feel good about myself, but I need to remember sometimes slowly and more thoroughly is the best way.
Until tomorrow….you know unless life happens a little too much.
Progress, not perfection, is what I have learned over time, and yes, I did forget to post yesterday, but I am continuing on this 365-day journey even with flaws. I am far from perfect, and over the next year, I hope to accept that and be ok.
I also forgot to wake in the middle of the night and capture a beautiful picture of the moon. I ended my fasting early today because there is this feeling that I am not able to eat like others due to PCOS. It feels like a punishment for something I did not have control over. I digress, but my point is I am far from perfect, and some days are not going to be as well as others.
However, I did my hair, put on make-up, and attended a meeting for a new client. I even put on a dress for the conference/zoom meeting. Getting ready for the day/meeting was a victory. Since I work from home, I do not usually get ready for the day outside, brushing my teeth and applying deodorant not to offend those around me. It felt good to get dolled up for the day.