Once upon a time there was me and I was a Type A.
It was quite normal for me to work, take care of my ex-husbands practice, volunteer (over volunteer), plan in detail for too many things, make time to see friends, etc. and look like I was doing it all with ease.
Flash forward to today….since my heart attack I feel so disorganized. Beyond even. I don’t feel like the Kat I was. I’m told to learn to accept my new “NORMAL”. No, honestly I don’t want to accept this new normal. I’m not thrilled that I have such low beats per minute at times that I am so tired, I hate that I forget to take care of things, I’m over not having patience like I used to, I resent that this happened to me.
However; it’s not always this way and I truly do try and stay in acceptance for my new normal. I try hard daily to accept that I can’t remember things the way I used to, that one day I will find a new normal and lets be real…..My old normal wasn’t normal. I over did it. I took care of everyone BUT me. My new normal will need to have balance and self care. I had this A-Ha moment tonight that what I lacked during my old normal was self care. I saw tonight that what I went through in my marriage and life in general it was a lot to handle without support. I never asked for help. I lacked self care.
So the thing that keeps coming up for this post is change. Change is hard. Change takes us to the other side. Changing my beliefs of who I need to be to feel like I matter or that I’m a good person was so skewed that I lost me, snapped and became someone I wasn’t, started to find me and in the end trying to hold onto a relationship that wasn’t meant to be caused me to have a heart attack. Stress, type a woman and I could have died. I’ve learned new things about me through this change and I’ve learned and continued to learn that I’m good no matter what job I have, how much I volunteer, or what I do for others. I’m learning outside of my kids and even before them I need to matter. I need self care and need to let go of the type a person I used to be.
Until next time…
I was diagnosed with an amazing disease at 40. Micro Cardiovascular Disease. I got pretty bitter and did a whole lot of “Why ME’s” and got very angry at what my ex did right after my heart attack especially since I just had a heart attack BUT now….I have a disease that can end my life whenever it wants to & I want to live. I lost my blog that I loved for reasons that I don’t need to rehash and I think I finally found what I’m going to turn this blog into.
I want to blog about my disease and the good, the bad, and all in-between. This includes life and all that goes into it. There’s going to be so much and it makes me excited to blog again. My old blog began about PCOS and really grew and gave others hope. I want to give hope to others who may be moms with heart disease. We aren’t alone.
I was hospitalized over the weekend again with the reality of a possible angiogram again. While in cardiac icu I realized how angry I still was but I can’t be. It’s not good for me.
So onto Kat’s Living Adventure. So far my 40th year has been hard but I think it’s really been just to show me how strong I am and it’s not all been bad. I’ve had some amazing times this year and I’m looking forward to many more.
This entries photo is of the reality my disease sometimes comes with. This is sometimes my reality. Until next time which will be so soon….
Life happens and life’s sometimes good and full. Since my last post I’ve been busy with kids, school, and being happy. Happy which is foreign to me it seems but welcomed. I’ve been told that my smile lately is one people haven’t seen in some time.
I had dinner with a woman I admire tonight and the visit reminded me I have my blog and to take a moment to remember how far I’ve come. Twenty Two years later I still cry when Jason is brought up and today his mother and I did just that. Ever so briefly. Black by Pearl Jam came on this morning. I’ve not heard it in some time and today I was having dinner with his mother. She noted it’s like he’s still with us and I believe this. Tonight for the first time in twenty plus years I was able to tell her how horrible I felt at his funeral when she told people as I was introduced to them how much he loved and cared for me. The guilt because that Friday I did drugs instead of having dinner with them. The guilt is gone and I didn’t know he’d leave us so quickly. I was young and know I’m not a bad person. I think Jason would be proud of me today.
It reminds me how short life is and surviving a heart attack six months ago I want to live. I finally feel like I can. Like I’ve let go of what was and excited for what’s to come. Until next time…
A beautiful lady and Moi.