This is going to be hard to write and may seem scattered. I needed a bathing suit for the summer. I’ve had a hard time finding one and I’ve not been a size 20 since 2007. This being said I believe my soul left for a bit trying to find a bathing suit that didn’t make my extra skin show much and that made me feel good about myself. However this isn’t easy when I believe bathing suits were invented by a pure evil being that did not understand bodies except for perfect ones and lets be honest NO ONE likes suit shopping.

As you can see in the photo below I love the style of this swim suit. It’s also a size 20. The top is a bit big since I cannot adjust the straps and it is loose on me BUT doesn’t make me look like I have a muffin body (worse than a muffin top if you can imagine).

Because it took getting a size 20 to make the bathing suit fit OK I am instantly in shame. I feel morbidly obese and unless you’ve lost a lot of weight you probably think I’m crazy and honestly can’t understand how I feel. I’m not judging anyone overweight just remembering what I felt and can feel at times.

I wear a size 6/8 in dresses and a 8/10 in jeans but I have extra skin which makes bathing suit wearing hard because of the way the suits are. This brings up all those bad feelings I’d have shopping.

After shopping I wanted to cry. Cry like the first time I entered Lane Bryant because I gained 100 lbs in one year. Cry because I looked in the mirror and realized if I wanted to swim this summer with my kids I’d need to buy the suit and alter it a bit to fit me. Cry because I felt so many old feelings.

Let’s take a moment to also see why it’s never a good idea to discuss bathing suit shopping with your significant other. When you mention that you are bummed because it’s hard to find a suit they then explain you can always buy men’s board shorts. No help there. None. You’ve explained you want to look decent and they offer the board shorts. Stay away from looking to men to talk about clothing. Trust me it’s better that way.

In the end I get to alter a bathing suit to fit me right and one that I liked if it weren’t for the size. I know that I can’t afford to have the skin removed and I can work on not feeling shame or bad about myself. I’m hoping that other women will not feel the way I do or that someone could relate to how I feel. I’ve met one women who I call a friend who does know how I feel and that makes it a little better and helps me to know I’m not alone.

I don’t know if this made sense but the emotions are all over the place and it’s all over a bathing suit.