I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m going to be fat again or feeling fat since I found out I was pregnant with L. I was in so much fear of the weight I was gaining during my pregnancy that when they weighed me I couldn’t face the scale and yes, I wanted to cry each time.
I don’t think others who have not gone from being thin to gaining 100 lbs. in a year to being thin again can really understand how scary it is for me to gain weight. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which caused my issue. I had gastric bypass in 2007 which they said would fix my issues (including weight gain and not being able to lose the weight)
When I got pregnant with L people kept telling me I was looking too thin. I didn’t see it. I just saw extra skin and felt fat still. I just didn’t want people to be mean to me for my weight. I saw HOW MUCH differently I was treated once I lost the 100 lbs.
I love that I started taking ballet since the bypass surgery. I use the dancing to help me feel better about my body. In the classes at the college I’d have to wear a leotard and boy I didn’t want to do that but I did and started feeling more and more comfortable and got a A in the class even!
So as this New Year approached I realized I’ve become obsessed with my weight because of Weight Watchers and counting calories. Really both are torture for me because I’m so busy that logging food is a chore and makes me obsess about food even more. When I first had L before the wonderful world of Weight Watchers (they had a special) I lost weight and kept losing by eating right, no gluten (bloats me, thanks PCOS), and exercised. I felt great and didn’t stress SO…..
I’m done dieting. I’m going back to the ways of healthy eating, no gluten, and exercise. I even would get a piece or two of dark chocolate every night, which I might add is good for the heart. I will exercise the way I like and not feel I have to exercise the “Perfect” way because there really isn’t one. I purchased and am waiting for my home Cardio Barre set including portable ballet bar! Yes, I can work out the way I like at home while the kids sleep. During “My” time!
I recently read this story about a mom and her views on being “fat” which made me feel even worse about myself but in a good way. In a way that I need to be gentler to me. You know sometimes exercising too much can be hard on your body. When your then 10 year old turns off your Jillian Michaels DVD while you are crying exercising, there’s a problem. Oh and I had severe contusions to my knees. Sweet! It’s time to just stop and do what feels natural to me. I’m 36 years old and not 20 and I have no one to impress and I just want to feel good about how I live again. I didn’t realize how the greatness of a pregnancy could bring on so much worry and obsession but the little boy rocks!
I end with we all need to be better to ourselves and be more kind. It’s amazing how freeing it feels to be going back to the old me. I was told I was much happier then. I’d like to believe that.
moimemoi 
Your Thoughts?