I was raised with no sense of what to do when I got older. I am not close to my family, and there is a reason. I was jealous of those who had two parents in their homes and, for that matter, had lovely homes with pets, etc. I also used to walk with my walkman (aging myself) and listen to classical music while pretending that while I was walking, it was the opening of a movie, a movie where my life would match those in the films I saw or those people who seemed to live a “perfect” life.

Fast-forward years. I am married, have a husband, live in a nice neighborhood, and have two children and a cat. I am unhappy. My husband is never happy. He yells at the kids and me often. He corrects me in public and around our friends. I suggest he see someone, but he doesn’t need to see anyone, and he is fine. I have one of a few moments where I could have died. My body went into sepsis, and I was hospitalized. My kidneys and liver were shutting down, all due to a bacterial infection in my large intestines. I saw my husband did not care. I snapped. I had an emotional affair with someone who ended up getting their revenge on me from when we were teenagers. After some more trial and error, I left my husband and found Alanon. I found there is a breaking point for all individuals. My ex-husband and I tried again. Little did I know he was gaslighting me, and I had a heart attack. At first, with what was going on, I was told it was from “Broken Hearts Syndrome,” but then right away, I was diagnosed with a SCAD heart attack and Fibromuscular Dysplasia with a side of Micro Cardiovascular disease. I got better, continued Alanon, and ended my toxic 20-year relationship for good.

At a friend’s urging, I went on Tinder and did not know the site was 99% for hooking up. I did meet someone. The Hot Neighbor and I are going on nine years together. I tried to make my profile the one you would never want, including that I was a heart attack survivor, mom of two, etc. We both came with baggage, which was tough, but we have learned how to communicate and let the other know when we are unhappy or need something. It is not a fairy tale; I am still working on so much damage from my previous relationship. Day by day, I hope that we last until the end, but I am a realist and know that fairy tales do not exist, and if I want a fairy tale, I should live the life of a Disney Princess or a fine Romance novel/movie.

Why this back story? Recently, I had to read Pride and Prejudice for a Grad Level seminar class on Jane Austen. The story of the eventual love of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth threw me back into younger Kat and what could have been.

Growing up with no sense of an example of a healthy relationship, I also looked to Romance movies or novels as the unlikely love happening to some random female. I read Little Women and knew that if I, like Jo, could meet someone and fall in love when it did not seem possible, I could find my forever love. Lots of movies in my adult life, too, got to me, but it was a coming-of-age film, Brooklyn, in 2015 that showed me Romance movies are just that, movies and not accurate to the real life we live in, and got me through all the pain I was feeling from the aftermath of my marriage.

Ellis, at the end of the film, is speaking with another young immigrant and says, “You’ll feel so homesick that you’ll want to die, and there’s nothing you can do about it apart from endure it. But you will, and it won’t kill you. And one day the sun will come out – you might not even notice straight away, it’ll be that faint. And then you’ll catch yourself thinking about something or someone who has no connection with the past. Someone who’s only yours. And you’ll realize… that this is where your life is.”

That speech was about a young woman coming to America, but it spoke to me during my “Painfilled Period,” and I was ready to heal, to put my old life behind me, and to move forward. Was it easy? No. Do things still creep in? Yes. But I’ve grown so much and have left the old me behind. The teenage Kat who believed I, too, would get my “Happily Ever After” and that my life would be much better than my life growing up.

I feel that romance novels and movies are not accurate. I have not met anyone who was swept off their feet and found their perfect person. Relationships take patience and compromise; sometimes, you would rather be away from the person you love. Romance novels give this false sense to young people, maybe not all young people. Perhaps some young people were raised to know what a relationship takes to thrive, but I was not one of those young people. Having no emotional support from either parent, I sought what love was and found it in movies and novels. It took being thirty-nine and losing myself to get the real me.

I get it—people love romance novels and movies. For example, a good chunk of women LOVE Fifty Shades of Grey. I am not one of them. Maybe for some of these women, the novel and the movie were just that, entertainment, a movie. However, growing up, I wanted these lives I saw and read about. I was given a false sense of the Happily Ever After, but that was all I had. I know now that love takes work and can be messy, but it is worth the work if you love someone because there are many wonderful times. I am curious what others feel about “Romance.” Is it all fluff, or have others felt that they, too, could find their perfect person like these movies and novels displayed? Having to read Pride and Prejudice brought up my feelings about these movies and novels; it gave me a reason to write. Until next time…