Life Happens

Life happens and life’s sometimes good and full. Since my last post I’ve been busy with kids, school, and being happy. Happy which is foreign to me it seems but welcomed. I’ve been told that my smile lately is one people haven’t seen in some time. 

I had dinner with a woman I admire tonight and the visit reminded me I have my blog and to take a moment to remember how far I’ve come. Twenty Two years later I still cry when Jason is brought up and today his mother and I did just that. Ever so briefly. Black by Pearl Jam came on this morning. I’ve not heard it in some time and today I was having dinner with his mother. She noted it’s like he’s still with us and I believe this. Tonight for the first time in twenty plus years I was able to tell her how horrible I felt at his funeral when she told people as I was introduced to them how much he loved and cared for me. The guilt because that Friday I did drugs instead of having dinner with them. The guilt is gone and I didn’t know he’d leave us so quickly. I was young and know I’m not a bad person. I think Jason would be proud of me today. 

It reminds me how short life is and surviving a heart attack six months ago I want to live. I finally feel like I can. Like I’ve let go of what was and excited for what’s to come. Until next time…

A beautiful lady and Moi. 

Six Months

Six months since I was lucky and lived through a heart attack. 

Today I got up early, got some coffee, hit a beach meeting, walked the Venice Boardwalk, got a tattoo, made a ass of myself, ran around crazy to get Sweet 16 gifts, cooked the teens favorite side dish, actually invited the ex to have dinner with us. I’m not ready to at the house but I felt OK in my home and was informed by the kids we are having a sleep over in the living room. 

In all today was filled with lots of good and interesting emotions.  

I’ve found today:

  • If I keep busy my mind quiets
  • If I’m treated with kindness or hell respect I’m logical and if I’m not I’m not logical and that is something to work on. 
  • I’m beautiful and strong and though I may falter at times but I’m a work in progress. 
  • I’m alive and learning more about me each day and how to be gentle with myself because I’m so not perfect. It helps to remember that. 

In all today was perfect. Tonight I give a photo of my tattoo. A moth because not all see the beauty in them but some moth’s are quite beautiful.