Once upon a time, I had a blog, I had an awesome blog dedicated to family, living with PCOS, cooking and baking gluten-free and dairy-free, etc. I felt so good about my blog. I was contacted to write for other blogs and I felt good.
Rewind to the end of 2015 and almost half of 2016 when I was being gas-lighted when I was told to not blog about what was happening. I kept my blog anonymous. I never used names but the fighting about my truth caused me to DELETE my blog. I was cyber-stalked for a bit and people were watching my online activity. I lost my safety on social media. Even as I type this I’m afraid that my ex will read this and let me know he doesn’t approve of my blog. The sad thing is he shouldn’t be reading my blog or checking in on my blog.
I’ve recently had some feelings. Don’t we all hate when they come up and I again began to doubt myself? I’m a survivor, I’m doing it all over, I’m struggling and growing along the way and I’m my own person and answer to no one. I’m in a relationship with a man who is kind to me, who wants to communicate, and who won’t let me run BUT he has had to take on my self-doubt, questioning his motives, and uneasiness that comes from healing with what I’ve been through.
I don’t need to get into all of it but the result from the stress was a SCAD heart attack in 2016. Today though almost approaching 2020 I’ve grown so much, I’m in school full time and working two part-time gigs to get by, I’m showing my children that you can start over at any age, I’ve shown them what forgiveness looks like, not just for my ex but for myself, I haven’t always walked with grace, and I’m continuing to heal. Lately, for the past week, I’ve also been blogging again. It feels foreign but good.
I chose to write about this today because of the quote/image below. I know how it feels to have something I love feel stolen from me. I loved my old blog and felt good about it and I let someone tell me to delete it. I will never do that again.
I’m doing this thing, you know a plan to lose weight. I began a Holiday Sleigh Challenge and today was the first day. So, today I ate right, drank 100 oz of water, did some Yoga, and did the first day of this challenge.
I realized I’m not good at groups but the woman I’m working with I’m holding myself accountable with her. I met all my marks for today. I will meet them for tomorrow as well. I won’t win the challenge because I’m not doing as suggested by posting in the group BUT I’m winning within my own little challenge to be good to me.
I have a hard time realizing I’m worthy of good and that includes worthy of goodness for my body.
I’ll follow up on this as the challenge goes on and at the end I’ll post my victory! Now I have to finish so I can say I did it!
So, in my quest to living life I stopped my heart medications. Yes, I sure did. I was only on these certain medications to replace the nitroglycerin I was taking that was giving me migraines. Did I mention that since my heart attack I’m not allowed to take my good ole’ migraine medications so it was migraines or medications. For a bit I did go with the medications until I realized it was both meds that caused my rapid weight gain. You see I had this issue before with Provera for my PCOS. So long story short I’m back on the nitroglycerin and living with the migraines.
Which brings me to I’ve now lost 8 lbs and have kept it off so far. I’m back at the gym and I owe my gym success to Game of Thrones and that I’d have never watched before. You see it helps to pass the time on the treadmill. I kid but it really does help as at time waster while working out.
The real test if I can continue this work out regime is the pass I was gifted for two weeks ends in a couple of days so I will have to do outside workouts and you know, I may enjoy it more. We shall see.
I’m going to the gym today. My head keeps trying to get me to back out but after I’ve gone for the 30-40 minutes I feel good when I leave. I feel like I look super fat when I’m at the gym and that I’m the only one there who looks this way. I want to get to a point where I don’t feel this way. It’s hard work this self care game.
So to end this update and I hope to dig deeper into blogging again is this is where I’m at:
Still in school full time, still working some place that doesn’t make me happy but I know isn’t permanent, eating mini meals and gluten free, not beating me up if I fail on a meal because really, it’s not worth it, trying daily to do at least one thing kind for me including some form of exercise, being a great mother, partner, and friend, AND knowing that my past doesn’t define me. What I do today defines me. Today, I’m working on a better me even on the days it doesn’t feel good.