Twenty-Nine days in, and I am still stuck in body dysmorphia. Why can’t it just be easier to lose weight? I get it, I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), FMD (Fibromuscular Dysplasia), and I am not twenty anymore. I understand it is harder for me than others to lose weight, but it does not make me feel any better about the situation. It is a hard day today, and here are some of the roadblocks I have found that I do in which the journey is even harder:
I feel punished. I cannot eat like other people because I am supposed to eat gluten and dairy-free. With PCOS, it is suggested not to eat a “poor man’s diet,” and although I find that term off-putting, the way it was described to me was not to eat white bread (high carbs), potatoes (starches), and high sugar fruit and snacks. I feel like I will never be able to eat these things, and then I do. It is not that I eat a ton, but even a little for me is too much. I have to remember I am not being punished for having PCOS and other medical conditions. There are people allergic to nuts and other foods, and they are not being punished either. I need to remember my body is just different.
I am too concerned with the scale. I weigh myself daily, which can impact my mood. I try not to but then, even when I am doing the right things, but the scale is not showing the results, it can make me feel even worse about myself. I realize I give this object too much power.
I have a drawer filled with the clothes I wore before my health issues began in 2016. I am not that same person from five years ago.
I am learning to be in acceptance which I see as an ongoing journey. I am making progress, not perfection, with the way my body is today. I have a partner who accepts me for me, and he loves my body no matter what, and he tells me that I need to see my body is perfect as it is. He means well, but this journey for me has been a long and hard one.
A new step I have taken to being kinder to me is I have just started the podcast “Body Image with Bri,” which I hope will help me be in more acceptance within my body no matter what I weigh or what size I wear.
Growth can be hard but without it you remain stuck and I want to grow. We only have this one life to enjoy.
Today began the first day of medications along with vitamins. Oh so many pills taken today. The silver lining is I am going to be feeling better. I’m so over my health restricting me from the life I want to live.
I began a different blog in 2007. The year I had gastric-bypass to help with the weight gain from PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). The surgery worked! I lost all the weight and then some and I got regular cycles and even conceived my second child without any issues but that didn’t mean the PCOS was gone.
In 2016 I suffered a SCAD Heart Attack after a very rough part of my life. The darkest part of my life for that matter. Though my heart attack had nothing to do with a typical heart attack and I was sent home at the beginning of my heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack” being thin and in pretty good health and it took me going back for them to take me seriously I was still put on medications for high blood pressure since I was then diagnosed with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and Micro Cardiovascular Disease. Both affect the arteries and cause me to be at high risk for another heart attack or stroke.
From the use of these medications, I gained 60 pounds. As someone with body dysmorphia from the rapid weight gain and loss, this is hard on me. Why? People are cruel to overweight people and ASSUME that they overeat and don’t exercise and don’t care for themselves. This is 100% not always true. There are many health conditions that cause weight gain. PCOS being one of them and my PCOS is also in full swing again and I am also not absorbing nutrients. From all of this, I’ve tried to exercise and do things correctly based on my medical history but have not been able to since my body is out of whack.
I finally gave up doing this all alone and met with my primary care physician who then had me getting iron infusions, meeting with my cardiologist, and meeting with my new neurologist. Between all of my doctors, I am on new medications and a ton of supplements (photo and daily schedule below) that will help me feel human again and help my body to lose weight. My primary also let me know my body has gone into shock and when it does this a body will hold onto weight. I am willing to do as instructed so that I can get back a part of me I lost with my heart attack. I was active and felt good. Right now I don’t feel so good. My hope is that by doing as instructed by my medical team that over time my body will get back to a good place.
I want to be an example, as I was before that we can recover. It is not always easy, the path to healing but I know, as I have done it before, it can be done. To keep me accountable I will be utilizing the blog that I pay for and ignore. When I blogged my journey before I wrote on the struggles and the triumphs. I posted gluten and dairy-free recipes. I was living life and my blog turned into something different than it started as. My hope, as I continue to heal and really take care of my medical needs that I can get my blog there. I hope that seeing my journey can help others with PCOS or SCAD Survivors see it can get better. It isn’t a quick process and I need to remember that too. I am ready to see where this journey takes me and I’m grateful to have you along.