Today began the first day of medications along with vitamins. Oh so many pills taken today. The silver lining is I am going to be feeling better. I’m so over my health restricting me from the life I want to live.
I began a different blog in 2007. The year I had gastric-bypass to help with the weight gain from PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). The surgery worked! I lost all the weight and then some and I got regular cycles and even conceived my second child without any issues but that didn’t mean the PCOS was gone.
In 2016 I suffered a SCAD Heart Attack after a very rough part of my life. The darkest part of my life for that matter. Though my heart attack had nothing to do with a typical heart attack and I was sent home at the beginning of my heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack” being thin and in pretty good health and it took me going back for them to take me seriously I was still put on medications for high blood pressure since I was then diagnosed with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and Micro Cardiovascular Disease. Both affect the arteries and cause me to be at high risk for another heart attack or stroke.
From the use of these medications, I gained 60 pounds. As someone with body dysmorphia from the rapid weight gain and loss, this is hard on me. Why? People are cruel to overweight people and ASSUME that they overeat and don’t exercise and don’t care for themselves. This is 100% not always true. There are many health conditions that cause weight gain. PCOS being one of them and my PCOS is also in full swing again and I am also not absorbing nutrients. From all of this, I’ve tried to exercise and do things correctly based on my medical history but have not been able to since my body is out of whack.
I finally gave up doing this all alone and met with my primary care physician who then had me getting iron infusions, meeting with my cardiologist, and meeting with my new neurologist. Between all of my doctors, I am on new medications and a ton of supplements (photo and daily schedule below) that will help me feel human again and help my body to lose weight. My primary also let me know my body has gone into shock and when it does this a body will hold onto weight. I am willing to do as instructed so that I can get back a part of me I lost with my heart attack. I was active and felt good. Right now I don’t feel so good. My hope is that by doing as instructed by my medical team that over time my body will get back to a good place.
I want to be an example, as I was before that we can recover. It is not always easy, the path to healing but I know, as I have done it before, it can be done. To keep me accountable I will be utilizing the blog that I pay for and ignore. When I blogged my journey before I wrote on the struggles and the triumphs. I posted gluten and dairy-free recipes. I was living life and my blog turned into something different than it started as. My hope, as I continue to heal and really take care of my medical needs that I can get my blog there. I hope that seeing my journey can help others with PCOS or SCAD Survivors see it can get better. It isn’t a quick process and I need to remember that too. I am ready to see where this journey takes me and I’m grateful to have you along.
Fact. It won’t always feel bad like it did yesterday. It’s no secret I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve tried, over the past couple of years to be more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Some days it’s much harder than others. Add in PCOS which is like a gift that keeps giving but you wish it would just stop and some days can make me feel pretty bad about my body.
Yesterday my schedule was off. For Christmas week I went to my client’s office at 6 am and that meant I skipped my normal early morning workout. I also then didn’t start the day drinking as much water as I have been. My client took me to lunch yesterday and I ate little treats during the day. I ended up eating dinner after 7 pm which I feel all food should be consumed before 7 pm. So, the day wasn’t set up for me to succeed. It could have been.
I could have planned more for the day knowing that I wasn’t going to have my normal schedule. I did succeed at some things yesterday though:
- I still worked out, I did it at 8 pm but I did it. In the past, I would have skipped the workout and taken a “day off”.
- I still held myself accountable with my workout and support group/challenge group.
- I didn’t take the “gentle” laxatives I wanted to.
This is where my post today was heading towards. I used to use laxatives to make up for a bad day of eating and if you looked at what I ate you’d think “this could be a day that’s OK with me” and for me, I think “This is going to make me gain weight, the PCOS is going to take the gluten and have my body hold onto it, I’m going to gain at least 4 lbs. or more from today, I’m never going to lose this heart attack weight.” The cycle of putting me down begins.
I found these in a drawer by chance yesterday. My first instinct was to take the 3 or 4 pills I normally would take but the GROWTH was that I threw them away.
I thought a couple of things that helped me walk through old behavior. Behavior I’m not proud of but behaviors that made sense to me for some time. I thought:
- I’m seeing a new doctor Friday, my PCOS is in full swing and I need to get focused again, really focused.
- Having to eat Gluten & Dairy-free isn’t a punishment. It’s a part of my life. Like a diabetic and watching their sugar or a person with peanut allergies. These people aren’t being punished and they’ve learned to live life not having certain items in it.
- What would Tantris say? (wise woman I look to for guidance)
- Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m not giving up.
I have gone through this PCOS journey before, I succeeded. I need to remember I can do this, I did this. I need to remember my levels could be off and right now my ferritin is low as well. I’m not failing, I’m struggling and it won’t always be this way. I will have many successes and I need to remember my journey can help others with theirs like other’s journeys have helped mine and continue to do so. I follow so many women with PCOS and watch their adventure and it’s not always good. It’s not always bad either. It’s life and I continue to plan on walking through it with grace and practicing more and more that self-care I need.