Day 27 – It's not always bad having PCOS but some days are just really hard.

Fact. It won’t always feel bad like it did yesterday. It’s no secret I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve tried, over the past couple of years to be more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Some days it’s much harder than others. Add in PCOS which is like a gift that keeps giving but you wish it would just stop and some days can make me feel pretty bad about my body.

Yesterday my schedule was off. For Christmas week I went to my client’s office at 6 am and that meant I skipped my normal early morning workout. I also then didn’t start the day drinking as much water as I have been. My client took me to lunch yesterday and I ate little treats during the day. I ended up eating dinner after 7 pm which I feel all food should be consumed before 7 pm. So, the day wasn’t set up for me to succeed. It could have been.

I could have planned more for the day knowing that I wasn’t going to have my normal schedule. I did succeed at some things yesterday though:

  1. I still worked out, I did it at 8 pm but I did it. In the past, I would have skipped the workout and taken a “day off”.
  2. I still held myself accountable with my workout and support group/challenge group.
  3. I didn’t take the “gentle” laxatives I wanted to.

This is where my post today was heading towards. I used to use laxatives to make up for a bad day of eating and if you looked at what I ate you’d think “this could be a day that’s OK with me” and for me, I think “This is going to make me gain weight, the PCOS is going to take the gluten and have my body hold onto it, I’m going to gain at least 4 lbs. or more from today, I’m never going to lose this heart attack weight.” The cycle of putting me down begins.

I found these in a drawer by chance yesterday. My first instinct was to take the 3 or 4 pills I normally would take but the GROWTH was that I threw them away.

I thought a couple of things that helped me walk through old behavior. Behavior I’m not proud of but behaviors that made sense to me for some time. I thought:

  1. I’m seeing a new doctor Friday, my PCOS is in full swing and I need to get focused again, really focused.
  2. Having to eat Gluten & Dairy-free isn’t a punishment. It’s a part of my life. Like a diabetic and watching their sugar or a person with peanut allergies. These people aren’t being punished and they’ve learned to live life not having certain items in it.
  3. What would Tantris say? (wise woman I look to for guidance)
  4. Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m not giving up.

I have gone through this PCOS journey before, I succeeded. I need to remember I can do this, I did this. I need to remember my levels could be off and right now my ferritin is low as well. I’m not failing, I’m struggling and it won’t always be this way. I will have many successes and I need to remember my journey can help others with theirs like other’s journeys have helped mine and continue to do so. I follow so many women with PCOS and watch their adventure and it’s not always good. It’s not always bad either. It’s life and I continue to plan on walking through it with grace and practicing more and more that self-care I need.

Writing did what?

Today I wrote, in a journal, not online.  Today I began to uncover why I am having a hard time with accepting again that I do not have a body like most and the way I process food is much different for me since I have PCOS.

I wrote about my fears that go along with that special disease.  I wrote about my old blog, the one where I connected to so many with PCOS, Gluten Free, and Vegan alike to create recipes and share my journey.  I wrote about the anger I had as I began to drastically lose weight after Gastric Bypass. I wrote about the support group for the gastric bypass where when someone who said “We are here because we all ate too much” brought me to tears because I didn’t eat too much.  My body was working against me.  I wrote about the silly fears of never being able to eat certain things ever again. I wrote and wrote, much more than I thought I would.

It’s a sad reality for me that I would rather be dead then to ever be morbidly obese again.  This is my truth now.  I’m hoping that real work on me, re-doing my blog focused on PCOS and now my two beautiful rare artery conditions that I can again show others that even though at certain times things suck and my head tells me how horrible I look and my head tells me that eating certain things I know will make me sick but will get some weight off is just my head lying to me.  That I am so much more than how my body looks.

It’s odd how a Friday night conversation about life with your partner can open the flood gate of old feelings and help you to see where your blog, the outlet you pay for and don’t use is exactly what you need and that you can build it again into something it was and be there for others and share the not so pretty truth to living with PCOS, two rare artery conditions, gluten-free, and one day again dairy free.  If I live my truth for these things and practice self-care then I’m being good to me and present for those I love and need me.  Especially a beautiful 18-year-old woman, my daughter who also recently was diagnosed with PCOS. I want her to see how strong I always was but just forgot and how it’s always a fight with PCOS but it’s one that can be won.  I want her and others to know we can start over at any time. I want to do this again, for me.