365 of 42…Day 4

LEGO’s and falling asleep in the bath….

I promised the boy I’d finish his LEGO’s spaceship thing from Star Wars tonight and I did. Last time I tried to complete a large LEGO adventure I cried, I cursed, and I wished he (the boy) was a girl as the girl never wanted LEGO’s. Anyhow, this time it was actually relaxing for me. Like a way to unwind because I do too much still to this day and I doubt anytime soon I’ll get better at saying no. So I did, I relaxed and then I knew that a nice hot bath would make the night even more perfect &…….

I so fell asleep in the tub to be woken up by the boy who had to use the bathroom. Was it the LEGO’s or lack of slow down that helped me fall asleep? I will never know. I’m not saying falling asleep in the tub is ok, it’s not. I’m saying by letting go of being type a somewhat I was able to enjoy LEGO’s and what people call a relaxing bath.

Until tomorrow. (I so made this)

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Once Upon A Time….She Was Type A….

Once upon a time there was me and I was a Type A.

It was quite normal for me to work, take care of my ex-husbands practice, volunteer (over volunteer), plan in detail for too many things, make time to see friends, etc. and look like I was doing it all with ease.

Flash forward to today….since my heart attack I feel so disorganized.  Beyond even.  I don’t feel like the Kat I was.  I’m told to learn to accept my new “NORMAL”.  No, honestly I don’t want to accept this new normal.  I’m not thrilled that I have such low beats per minute at times that I am so tired, I hate that I forget to take care of things, I’m over not having patience like I used to, I resent that this happened to me.

However; it’s not always this way and I truly do try and stay in acceptance for my new normal.  I try hard daily to accept that I can’t remember things the way I used to, that one day I will find a new normal and lets be real…..My old normal wasn’t normal.  I over did it.  I took care of everyone BUT me.  My new normal will need to have balance and self care.  I had this A-Ha moment tonight that what I lacked during my old normal was self care.  I saw tonight that what I went through in my marriage and life in general it was a lot to handle without support.  I never asked for help.  I lacked self care.

So the thing that keeps coming up for this post is change.  Change is hard.  Change takes us to the other side.  Changing my beliefs of who I need to be to feel like I matter or that I’m a good person was so skewed that I lost me, snapped and became someone I wasn’t, started to find me and in the end trying to hold onto a relationship that wasn’t meant to be caused me to have a heart attack.  Stress, type a woman and I could have died.  I’ve learned new things about me through this change and I’ve learned and continued to learn that I’m good no matter what job I have, how much I volunteer, or what I do for others.  I’m learning outside of my kids and even before them I need to matter.  I need self care and need to let go of the type a person I used to be.

Until next time…