Day 14 in a time of Covid-19…

Did you know life and life’s ups and downs don’t stop because of a pandemic? True story. Yesterday and today I feel really sad. Letting go of what I thought would happen one day is hard. I cry when I think about it. Between that another situation I’ve said I’d let go I don’t know if my relationship will last for the long run. That’s being honest. Do I want to feel this when that person is someone I’m isolated with? No. The first letting go over time I can do but the second I’m not so sure. Time will tell and this sadness will pass. This is a total growth moment and ya know what? At least I’m forced to feel and work through it because I can’t run from my feelings by over doing it right now.

Yesterday I also took my final walk of the week with the boy. We took a walk each day he was with me. So nice to get out with no one else walking around and spend some time getting a bit of exercise in and the boy being able to scooter. Win/Win for us both. See some good too.

I notice lately I’ve been down more than up with my posts but come on, this isn’t a feel good time in history and this isn’t just hitting the United States. This is a worldwide pandemic and it’s sad. Just so sad. It will get better. That’s the silver lining.

My schedule for the week is ready, I’m focused on bettering me and it’s my alone week. I wonder the good that can happen. Let’s see. Until tomorrow.

Do you see the beautiful white butterfly we saw on our walk? Beauty in a time of Covid-19

Day 27 – It’s not always bad having PCOS but some days are just really hard.

Fact. It won’t always feel bad like it did yesterday. It’s no secret I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve tried, over the past couple of years to be more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Some days it’s much harder than others. Add in PCOS which is like a gift that keeps giving but you wish it would just stop and some days can make me feel pretty bad about my body.

Yesterday my schedule was off. For Christmas week I went to my client’s office at 6 am and that meant I skipped my normal early morning workout. I also then didn’t start the day drinking as much water as I have been. My client took me to lunch yesterday and I ate little treats during the day. I ended up eating dinner after 7 pm which I feel all food should be consumed before 7 pm. So, the day wasn’t set up for me to succeed. It could have been.

I could have planned more for the day knowing that I wasn’t going to have my normal schedule. I did succeed at some things yesterday though:

  1. I still worked out, I did it at 8 pm but I did it. In the past, I would have skipped the workout and taken a “day off”.
  2. I still held myself accountable with my workout and support group/challenge group.
  3. I didn’t take the “gentle” laxatives I wanted to.

This is where my post today was heading towards. I used to use laxatives to make up for a bad day of eating and if you looked at what I ate you’d think “this could be a day that’s OK with me” and for me, I think “This is going to make me gain weight, the PCOS is going to take the gluten and have my body hold onto it, I’m going to gain at least 4 lbs. or more from today, I’m never going to lose this heart attack weight.” The cycle of putting me down begins.

I found these in a drawer by chance yesterday. My first instinct was to take the 3 or 4 pills I normally would take but the GROWTH was that I threw them away.

I thought a couple of things that helped me walk through old behavior. Behavior I’m not proud of but behaviors that made sense to me for some time. I thought:

  1. I’m seeing a new doctor Friday, my PCOS is in full swing and I need to get focused again, really focused.
  2. Having to eat Gluten & Dairy-free isn’t a punishment. It’s a part of my life. Like a diabetic and watching their sugar or a person with peanut allergies. These people aren’t being punished and they’ve learned to live life not having certain items in it.
  3. What would Tantris say? (wise woman I look to for guidance)
  4. Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m not giving up.

I have gone through this PCOS journey before, I succeeded. I need to remember I can do this, I did this. I need to remember my levels could be off and right now my ferritin is low as well. I’m not failing, I’m struggling and it won’t always be this way. I will have many successes and I need to remember my journey can help others with theirs like other’s journeys have helped mine and continue to do so. I follow so many women with PCOS and watch their adventure and it’s not always good. It’s not always bad either. It’s life and I continue to plan on walking through it with grace and practicing more and more that self-care I need.