Thank You, COVID, I’m Back!

It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”

Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.

I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.

I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.

I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.

Anxiety oh my

It’s been weighing on my mind lately the anxiety that surrounds my monthly cycle and my IBS-c. So, when my monthly cycle comes, I can’t leave my home. I’m wait-listed, thanks to COVID, to have my uterus removed since the amount of bleeding I have monthly isn’t right. When I say I can’t leave my home, I mean that I stand in the shower throughout it because the clotting that happens isn’t to be messed with. It’s debilitating.

On top of that, I was diagnosed with IBS-c, but I was told my case is tricky since I also have IBS-d. I have no middle ground to speak of. Yes, these two lovely items in my life bring on anxiety.

Today I am to have my first facial in over a year. I also should have gotten my period by now, but it hasn’t started yet. My mind instantly goes to “What if it starts during my facial?” My mind then begins to constantly fixate on whether or not my period will start. Let’s look where my mind also goes “What if the Linzess kicks in while I’m having my facial?” You know, I’m on the table, and my stomach decides it is in control, and I need a bathroom ASAP. These situations are constantly going through my mind because the place could be any location I need to be at for any reason.

More importantly, my cycle is messed up from the IUD I briefly had to stop my periods but instead gave me a three-month-long adventure. I have a Colonoscopy scheduled for the end of the month, and what if my cycle doesn’t come and then it arrives after I have prepped for the procedure and the morning of it starts? Do I cancel? Do I pray nothing bad happens until after? I still can’t forget the horror movie in real life after my last angiogram. That was not a fun experience. More of an “OH MY GOD, will this ever stop?” and “I can’t believe they had me lay there for so many hours!” There was also the embarrassment. Let us not forget that.

I write this for the others out there who feel this same anxiety. To focus your life around a monthly period or IBS issues is complicated. When you should live your life without the worry of hormonal problems or IBS issues, but you can’t, it is hard. I’m currently working on fixing these issues, and the anxiety won’t last forever. I want others to know we can live with situations that fill us with anxiety, but it does not last forever. I will get through today and my Colonoscopy the best that I can, and if life throws me a curveball, I know I will be OK. I have had many curveballs in the past. Please know you are not alone, and I hope seeing a little of my story lets you know that.

Finally, find some support. I’ve been working with my anxiety and I have a great support group of people. I wish the same for whoever is reading this and having the same anxiety as I am. It won’t always feel this hard, it will get better.

Until next time….

Day 12 in a time of Covid-19…

Yesterday was a so/so day which is better than a bad day. Yes? Yes. I wasn’t able to work my real job but I was done stressing with the boy needing attention too and throw in I had class online from 9 am to 12:20 pm it was a packed morning to begin with.

Highlights of the day:

  1. I made gluten free chocolate chip cookies and between 6 people they were all gone at the end of the day.
  2. I completed my 8 week class of Anthro 101. Completed it with a B. Go me!
  3. I was reminded again my worth and why I’m working so hard to better my kids and me.
  4. I took naps with my littles.
  5. Stuck to Gluten Free eating.

So, yesterday was better than the day before and I know some of our days are good and others aren’t. This is a brand new normal for us all. I’m hoping today is even better. Until tomorrow.