Where do I begin? Let’s start with yesterday I made it to 21 years sober. That’s literally half my life. Through my sobriety I’ve been through a ton of good and a ton of bad and right now life is in session.
I’ve so not been good with keeping up with my blog and you know I’m not beating myself up. I have found what I’ll be using my blog for. My blog that used to be filled with PCOS info, gluten and dairy free yummy goodness and life as I knew it will now be a whirlwind of….
- Living with PCOS
- Living with heart disease
- Struggling as a single mom in school full time so I can better myself and show my kids you can start over.
- New relationship adventures
- Life as I know it with some fun and growing pains
Right now I’m so struggling. Half the time I want to give up. I get sad that I lost me and that my kids have so much with my ex and he’s a good dad to them but I feel cheated.
My weight is a HUGE issue for me right now as well. Living barely week to week I can’t afford the way I need to eat and it’s hard because with PCOS I’m supposed to eat gluten and dairy free and when my kids are with me I need to cook for them. I never want to be fat again. I would rather die. Sad fact but true. I remember how I was treated and looked down upon and I won’t go back to living like that. Tonight I bought myself healthy food and though it will cost more I have to eat right for my health and especially since my soon to be 18 year old was also diagnosed with PCOS.
Good news is I’m in school. It’s so different not attending in over 20 years but it makes me feel good about me and this fall I’ll be taking ballet again. Silver lining for when I feel low about myself.
The man I met, it’s been almost two years of us being together. He’s good to me but I worry I’m not good enough. I felt that way in my last relationship as well. This may just be a me, self esteem issue. Alanon is my friend still.
This was a mess of a post but it’s a start.
Daily or often I want to chronicle what it’s really like starting over. The good and bad of it all. One moment and sometimes one heart beat at a time.
Before we get into the exciting and yet terrifying topic of today “Bonding with your boyfriends daughter” let’s just say the days seem to be going by so quickly and though I’m using this blog as a forum to feel comfortable with blogging again after all I went through, which ultimately, did lead to me deleting this blog I’m trying to also be more present for my kids. SO there may be gaps in when I blog but the ultimate goal….365 of growth, realizations and happy times in my beautiful life. I mean I’m so grateful and lucky to be alive.
Onto day 19 and bonding. I was asked by my boyfriends daughter to get my nails done with her. After some research (a text to her mom) we arrived at the nail salon and luckily even though they usually only take appointments they took us both! Score 1 for luck. They remembered his daughter from her last visit with her mom this past week.
Let me just say….how incredibly uncomfortable I feel and I know over time this will change. So many thoughts going through my head because I don’t want her mom to ever think I’m trying to replace her BUT I do want to bond with their daughter. It’s obvious her father and I care for each other and I want to be a part of their kids life too so they know as well I’m not trying to take time away from their dad. Just like her father has spent time with my children and I see how my ex feels about our son really warming up to my boyfriend. I so understand that one day when my ex meets someone I’ll have feelings of insecurity too. I believe this is normal.
I feel so lucky as well that my children and my boyfriend’s children both have parents that love their kids very much. I’ve seen other divorced couples and it’s sad when a parent just cuts out. Our kids will never have to worry about this.
Back to today. As I sit here typing this while she finishes her manicure and pedicure I’ve heard her discuss a fake fashion show she’ll be in today, how’s she is left handed, and when complimented on her singing it’s nice to hear her own that. I’m grateful she’s warmed up to me and wanted me to join her. My hope is one day I won’t have this fear that I’ll do something wrong or say something wrong. I hope one day my young friend and I can have some girly fun with no cares at all.
Our feet look great!!
I opted out of a manicure but these nails look nice.
Yesterday was a busy day ending with a movie that started at 9:20 pm so that’s my quick input of the day.
Today I blog early. Today I’ve seen where what I see can mess with my head. Where I feel like it will always just be like this. Where being alone feels so much better. Where I question what I’m doing and wonder is this going to be good enough? Will the past be the past and I’m just good enough?
The beauty in the sadness I feel today is I’ve learned with all I’ve been through that feelings are not facts. That somewhere deep in me I know I’m worth so much good. On so many levels and I know that tomorrow I may have a totally different outlook on this situation. Today though it doesn’t feel good, probably only in my head and I know the only phone going forward I want to look at is mine. This is even when I’m being shown things. It could bring on hurt hunting and I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling less than.
In closing, I’m allowed to have this moment but I’m going to let it pass. Maybe not in 5 minutes but today. That’s growth.