So day 44 and I’m not in the best of spaces. Not because life sucks, nope life’s for the most part good BUT my relationship with micro cardiovascular disease gets the finger. Dealing with my FMD and being a woman gets the finger. Not feeling like I can see doctors without stressing about work gets the finger.
So yesterday my period started and guess what? Waking yesterday without any prior pms symptoms I knew I was getting my period yesterday. I knew from the tightness in my neck, the ringing in my ears, my lack of concentration, the lightheaded feeling and my new heightened sense of emotion. All of this I didn’t go to bed with and all of this I woke with and I knew 100% my period would arrive yesterday and it did.
For someone who isn’t supposed to stress because it can cause another heart attack I seem to stress a lot.
The kicker is until Friday I don’t have healthcare because I can’t afford it. Next month I’ll be on track but single mom with unexpected expenses equals healthcare a few days late. So I keep doing all I can to remain calm. Not like I can take time off I feel but I have no sick pay. Good times.
This is reality sometimes. These are times I feel so alone. Today I really felt it and these are times that I see a lot of the pain or disappointment I feel is my own making. Heck why’d I have a heart attack? (Ok rare disease plus stress caused it) so really not all my doing.
At this moment I don’t feel together. I feel punished. I feel like I’ll always be alone and I have two kids who need me to be my best and sometimes I just want to be taken care of. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about healthcare or bills or that I’m doing good by my kids. This too shall pass.
In the big scheme I’ve not blogged for almost two weeks because life was in session and mostly good but mostly busy and I’m really working on taking care of me and right now this is the ugly side of having two rare artery conditions and I know in a couple of days these feelings will pass but today this journey is hard.
So, have been enjoying life on life’s terms and I work six days a week too but when a friend wants to share exciting news with you on day seven you meet her for coffee at 8am.
I was able today to be present for her. To cry happy tears for her and to let her know my joy for her. To not be in my head and to be fully present for her was a plus.
My head can be a slippery slope to things being bad when they’re not. My life for the past couple of years was a lifetime movie or great material for a stand up act. Today it’s slowly becoming a good place where I don’t need to fear so much about the other shoe dropping and what bad is going to happen.
It was a blessing to be able to hear the news from my friend and be in a good place to be genuinely happy for her. From this moment one on one to other moments I know I have a lot of paying it forward to do with friends. I know I need to catch up with family. Did I mention I’ve now sent out some Happy New Years cards? Oh yeah and still in January and included for family current photos of the kids.
I’m not ready to take on the world but approaching the two year anniversary for my SCAD heart attack and how bad things were I’m seeing how much I’ve grown in almost two years.
Here’s to growth. The good and growing pains of it.
Until next time.
Ok so I’m not so good at doing this daily and honestly I’m not too concerned. Since my heart attack I’ve been so much less the old Kat when it comes to trying to squeeze everything into a day when there’s always more time to get things done. So basically this challenge, my blog is important but I don’t want to be up at 11 doing it.
I’m working on balance. I’m working on doing one task at a time and finishing it. I really don’t see how in my previous life I worked, took care of two kids, my ex husbands practice, and volunteered while starting up a meet up and keeping up with my girlfriends. No wonder my body shut down. It’s too much for two people. It’s exhausting.
The good news is I’m embracing my flaws and doing what I can, slowly to change them. I’m keeping in contact with my support group so I have a sounding board when I feel I’m maybe doing too much. I’m walking through this new normal with as much grace as I can.
So a little self care check in:
1. Enjoying baths and not rushing out of them. Trying to unwind in them.
2. Doing a exercise class a week that is fun. No need to run if I can do aerial classes, stretching classes or ballet.
3. Not eating gluten and sticking to it. Since my heart attack also having PCOS I’ve gained 20 lbs and slowly I’ll lose the last 18 by making good food choices like I used to do.
4. Having alone time. I’m allowed to have some me time.
Really, if I look at my small behavioral changes I’m being good to myself. I spent 40 years being everything to everyone that I lost me and I’m so grateful life threw me curve ball and I’m learning to be there for me.
Until next time….