365 of 42…Day 16

It’s 11pm and I’m getting my me time. Sometimes having kids means less time for me as a single mom. It means my personal life falls to the wayside when I’m making sure in my week with them that they have a lot of quality time with me. It means sometimes falling asleep at 8:30 pm holding my seven year old until he falls asleep and then waking at 10:30 wide awake when I need to get up at 5:30 the next morning.

I wouldn’t trade my life however. I’m grateful to be mom to these two kids. I’m grateful that they love me so much. I’m grateful that I survived my heart attack to watch them grow up.

It means that the week they’re with their dad I miss them so much.

So today I reflect on single mom quality problems and really they’re not.

Until tomorrow.

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365 of 42…Day 6

New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…

I’m Back…

I missed my blog and after some work with WordPress I was able to get my domain back and I just lost all that I put into my blog over the past 9 years.

I wasn’t told to end my blog or delete it but I felt threatened enough to do so.

However; I need this blog as a way to heal.  My followers are generic, I don’t use names, and I don’t feed it into any social media.  If people don’t like what they read they don’t need to read my blog.

I’m going to blog more on my living adventures and though they may be messy I’m growing.  For instance I learned recently that you can meet someone who you can feel so comfortable with but because of the damage after multiple years in a past relationship you self sabotage any hope of that growing.  I’ve learned that comes with regret but I’ve learned that even though it makes me sad I know that if I had that feeling again it will happen again.  I’m learning how to move on as a single mom with a heart condition.

I don’t know where this blog will go but I know that I did so much with my blog before from PCOS support to yummy recipes that I’ve made Gluten & Dairy Free to the UPs and DOWNs of motherhood with a 10 year gap between kids to Heart Attacks and living with Heart Disease and yes, Surviving Divorce and starting to understand Depression when you don’t have it or understand it.  My blog was so much more than me healing and I want it back.  Even if for a bit I change the way I do it.

So stay tuned….I’m back and it feels good to have my blog again!