I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?
Once upon a time, I had a blog, I had an awesome blog dedicated to family, living with PCOS, cooking and baking gluten-free and dairy-free, etc. I felt so good about my blog. I was contacted to write for other blogs and I felt good.
Rewind to the end of 2015 and almost half of 2016 when I was being gas-lighted when I was told to not blog about what was happening. I kept my blog anonymous. I never used names but the fighting about my truth caused me to DELETE my blog. I was cyber-stalked for a bit and people were watching my online activity. I lost my safety on social media. Even as I type this I’m afraid that my ex will read this and let me know he doesn’t approve of my blog. The sad thing is he shouldn’t be reading my blog or checking in on my blog.
I’ve recently had some feelings. Don’t we all hate when they come up and I again began to doubt myself? I’m a survivor, I’m doing it all over, I’m struggling and growing along the way and I’m my own person and answer to no one. I’m in a relationship with a man who is kind to me, who wants to communicate, and who won’t let me run BUT he has had to take on my self-doubt, questioning his motives, and uneasiness that comes from healing with what I’ve been through.
I don’t need to get into all of it but the result from the stress was a SCAD heart attack in 2016. Today though almost approaching 2020 I’ve grown so much, I’m in school full time and working two part-time gigs to get by, I’m showing my children that you can start over at any age, I’ve shown them what forgiveness looks like, not just for my ex but for myself, I haven’t always walked with grace, and I’m continuing to heal. Lately, for the past week, I’ve also been blogging again. It feels foreign but good.
I chose to write about this today because of the quote/image below. I know how it feels to have something I love feel stolen from me. I loved my old blog and felt good about it and I let someone tell me to delete it. I will never do that again.
Year One of college is in the books. Okay, not until Monday when I take my final quiz for the Political Science class I can’t wait to put behind me. Still, I’ve received all A’s and B’s this past year and accomplished more than I thought I could.
I’m so grateful, so grateful that I’m doing this for me. In my past life I did for everyone BUT me. I put my ex through school because if he completed school we’d be okay, I over volunteered because if I wasn’t busy I wasn’t accomplishing anything, and I overworked because I felt if I looked successful I would be accepted more by my father and that I then would have escaped my lower middle class upbringing. So as you can see in my past life I was doing for everyone BUT me and now I’m doing this all for ME.
I’m doing this for myself and for my children. I want my two kids to know that you can start over at any time and that it’s OK to not be OK sometimes. It’s okay to grow gracefully and sometimes not so gracefully but in the end you are bettering yourself.
This past year financially has been very hard, I won’t lie but I know the payoff, when I’m done with school I will be financially secure again. I was at one point financially secure but I was working a job I felt I couldn’t leave and I was not in a happy marriage. Now I’m bettering me and it’s hard sometimes. It’s hard wondering if I’ll have all my bills paid, it’s hard to say no to my son when he wants new toys or wants to see a movie but I’ve also found that my children know I’m working hard for them. I’m a good mother, I really believe this.
So, today, this post isn’t about weight but it’s about the good. The good that comes from taking care of myself and I’m enjoying the process.
Until next time…be good to you.