Moving Forward…

So, in my quest to living life I stopped my heart medications.  Yes, I sure did.  I was only on these certain medications to replace the nitroglycerin I was taking that was giving me migraines.  Did I mention that since my heart attack I’m not allowed to take my good ole’ migraine medications so it was migraines or medications.  For a bit I did go with the medications until I realized it was both meds that caused my rapid weight gain.  You see I had this issue before with Provera for my PCOS.  So long story short I’m back on the nitroglycerin and living with the migraines.

Which brings me to I’ve now lost 8 lbs and have kept it off so far.  I’m back at the gym and I owe my gym success to Game of Thrones and that I’d have never watched before.  You see it helps to pass the time on the treadmill. I kid but it really does help as at time waster while working out.

The real test if I can continue this work out regime is the pass I was gifted for two weeks ends in a couple of days so I will have to do outside workouts and you know, I may enjoy it more.  We shall see.

I’m going to the gym today.  My head keeps trying to get me to back out but after I’ve gone for the 30-40 minutes I feel good when I leave.  I feel like I look super fat when I’m at the gym and that I’m the only one there who looks this way.  I want to get to a point where I don’t feel this way.  It’s hard work this self care game.

So to end this update and I hope to dig deeper into blogging again is this is where I’m at:

Still in school full time, still working some place that doesn’t make me happy but I know isn’t permanent, eating mini meals and gluten free, not beating me up if I fail on a meal because really, it’s not worth it, trying daily to do at least one thing kind for me including some form of exercise, being a great mother, partner, and friend, AND knowing that my past doesn’t define me.  What I do today defines me.  Today, I’m working on a better me even on the days it doesn’t feel good.

OMG She’s on a roll…

Time to hold myself accountable on this quest to lose my heart attack weight while living with my friend who keeps on giving PCOS.  I’ve been good since my last post about no gluten.  However; that night I epic failed because ordering late caused me to eat gluten so I added no food after 8pm because my good thinking disappears.  So since the morning after my last post I’ve been 100% gluten free.

I’ve found that eating no gluten is helping me get back into being good to me food wise.  I’ve found snacks I used to enjoy, I’ve saved money having to eat at home more and I’m feeling less bloated.  Imagine, just eating the way suggested to me is helping me to physically feel better.

As I continue my quest to lose my heart attack weight while battling PCOS I will start to again post recipes and ways I’m good to me.  I’m grateful that I found my purpose with this blog which is what it started as years ago.  I miss my old blog but with life events it is gone but I’m so grateful I can start over.  We can always start over.

Writing did what?

Today I wrote, in a journal, not online.  Today I began to uncover why I am having a hard time with accepting again that I do not have a body like most and the way I process food is much different for me since I have PCOS.

I wrote about my fears that go along with that special disease.  I wrote about my old blog, the one where I connected to so many with PCOS, Gluten Free, and Vegan alike to create recipes and share my journey.  I wrote about the anger I had as I began to drastically lose weight after Gastric Bypass. I wrote about the support group for the gastric bypass where when someone who said “We are here because we all ate too much” brought me to tears because I didn’t eat too much.  My body was working against me.  I wrote about the silly fears of never being able to eat certain things ever again. I wrote and wrote, much more than I thought I would.

It’s a sad reality for me that I would rather be dead then to ever be morbidly obese again.  This is my truth now.  I’m hoping that real work on me, re-doing my blog focused on PCOS and now my two beautiful rare artery conditions that I can again show others that even though at certain times things suck and my head tells me how horrible I look and my head tells me that eating certain things I know will make me sick but will get some weight off is just my head lying to me.  That I am so much more than how my body looks.

It’s odd how a Friday night conversation about life with your partner can open the flood gate of old feelings and help you to see where your blog, the outlet you pay for and don’t use is exactly what you need and that you can build it again into something it was and be there for others and share the not so pretty truth to living with PCOS, two rare artery conditions, gluten-free, and one day again dairy free.  If I live my truth for these things and practice self-care then I’m being good to me and present for those I love and need me.  Especially a beautiful 18-year-old woman, my daughter who also recently was diagnosed with PCOS. I want her to see how strong I always was but just forgot and how it’s always a fight with PCOS but it’s one that can be won.  I want her and others to know we can start over at any time. I want to do this again, for me.