Day 19/20 – Affirmations

I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?

One Week – Maybe I’m Back For Good?

Once upon a time, I had a blog, I had an awesome blog dedicated to family, living with PCOS, cooking and baking gluten-free and dairy-free, etc. I felt so good about my blog. I was contacted to write for other blogs and I felt good.

Rewind to the end of 2015 and almost half of 2016 when I was being gas-lighted when I was told to not blog about what was happening. I kept my blog anonymous. I never used names but the fighting about my truth caused me to DELETE my blog. I was cyber-stalked for a bit and people were watching my online activity. I lost my safety on social media. Even as I type this I’m afraid that my ex will read this and let me know he doesn’t approve of my blog. The sad thing is he shouldn’t be reading my blog or checking in on my blog.

I’ve recently had some feelings. Don’t we all hate when they come up and I again began to doubt myself? I’m a survivor, I’m doing it all over, I’m struggling and growing along the way and I’m my own person and answer to no one. I’m in a relationship with a man who is kind to me, who wants to communicate, and who won’t let me run BUT he has had to take on my self-doubt, questioning his motives, and uneasiness that comes from healing with what I’ve been through.

I don’t need to get into all of it but the result from the stress was a SCAD heart attack in 2016. Today though almost approaching 2020 I’ve grown so much, I’m in school full time and working two part-time gigs to get by, I’m showing my children that you can start over at any age, I’ve shown them what forgiveness looks like, not just for my ex but for myself, I haven’t always walked with grace, and I’m continuing to heal. Lately, for the past week, I’ve also been blogging again. It feels foreign but good.

I chose to write about this today because of the quote/image below. I know how it feels to have something I love feel stolen from me. I loved my old blog and felt good about it and I let someone tell me to delete it. I will never do that again.

Hello Body Dysmorphia..You suck Mr. Kaiser Physician & Being my own advocate, always!

I recently changed healthcare insurance. Through work I now have Kaiser. My first experience with Kaiser was not good. I’ve gone through a lot since 2016. Before that my PCOS was under control and I was a happy size 6/8 from 2007 to 2017. Fast forward to now and I recently stopped heart medications that caused rapid weight gain. I’ve lost six pounds since then. It’s a much slower process when I can’t work out the way I want with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and having PCOS. However, I am doing it. I will get back down to my pre-SCAD (Sudden Coronary Artery Dissection) Heart Attack weight. Back to the physician…

This physician informed me that he’s known 10 people who’ve had gastric bypass and all 10 gained their weight back. He let me know medication and PCOS aren’t valid reasons for weight gain and he enrolled me in Weight Management classes. Did I mention I declined those classes?

I did have a good second experience with Kaiser and the OBGYN assigned to me is going to help me find a PCP who understands my conditions and doesn’t loop everyone who may need to lose weight into one bucket.

Do these physicians not understand that people aren’t all the same? Do they not know that someone like myself can walk into their office and leave with their body dysmorphia heightened because of the way they speak to a patient they’ve only met once? This brought me right back to being sent home in the middle of my heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone who would have a heart attack”. If I went into today would they have taken me seriously? I just don’t understand.

My blog will be more about PCOS again. I can’t be the only one who gets this kind of treatment from physicians, I can’t be the first one who works so hard to be told insensitive things. It makes me so angry and sad how I and so many are judged. I don’t have to defend myself and my eating habits and I don’t need to be judged without truly knowing my medical history. I need support from my physician and unfortunately, my first experience with Kaiser wasn’t that.

Here’s to being my own advocate and continuing to fight for me and my health.