On this 42nd day of my journey into blogging, I still need to schedule the daily things I do to make me feel good about myself. I even include my daily medications because taking my daily medications can be missed. I get too sucked in to “what needs to be done right now” and forget about what keeps me sane.
Since I get distracted easily, I’ve made my weekly schedule something I check off to keep myself accountable for taking care of myself. Part of this daily schedule is blogging. It seems to be something I often miss since I have not blogged for the past 12 days. What is that? The amount I’ve blogged over the past 42 days is more than I have in the past couple of years. That’s progress, not perfection, and a great example of growth.
My blog is part of my self-care. It is something that brought joy to me. My previous blog was about helping women living with PCOS to see that they can battle PCOS with grace, just as I do. I hope to get back to that. To get to be a forum where I can post things to help others and still live a fun life and share that part of me too. Finally, to continue to be honest that it’s not always easy. I’m harder on myself than anyone could be, and I hope that I can change my perspective on myself over time, doing these daily things to make me feel good.
Daily To Do Check-Off List:
Daily Alanon Readings & Some Writing
Daily Gratitude Email (7+ years strong with the same 5 women)
Twenty-Nine days in, and I am still stuck in body dysmorphia. Why can’t it just be easier to lose weight? I get it, I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), FMD (Fibromuscular Dysplasia), and I am not twenty anymore. I understand it is harder for me than others to lose weight, but it does not make me feel any better about the situation. It is a hard day today, and here are some of the roadblocks I have found that I do in which the journey is even harder:
I feel punished. I cannot eat like other people because I am supposed to eat gluten and dairy-free. With PCOS, it is suggested not to eat a “poor man’s diet,” and although I find that term off-putting, the way it was described to me was not to eat white bread (high carbs), potatoes (starches), and high sugar fruit and snacks. I feel like I will never be able to eat these things, and then I do. It is not that I eat a ton, but even a little for me is too much. I have to remember I am not being punished for having PCOS and other medical conditions. There are people allergic to nuts and other foods, and they are not being punished either. I need to remember my body is just different.
I am too concerned with the scale. I weigh myself daily, which can impact my mood. I try not to but then, even when I am doing the right things, but the scale is not showing the results, it can make me feel even worse about myself. I realize I give this object too much power.
I have a drawer filled with the clothes I wore before my health issues began in 2016. I am not that same person from five years ago.
I am learning to be in acceptance which I see as an ongoing journey. I am making progress, not perfection, with the way my body is today. I have a partner who accepts me for me, and he loves my body no matter what, and he tells me that I need to see my body is perfect as it is. He means well, but this journey for me has been a long and hard one.
A new step I have taken to being kinder to me is I have just started the podcast “Body Image with Bri,” which I hope will help me be in more acceptance within my body no matter what I weigh or what size I wear.
Growth can be hard but without it you remain stuck and I want to grow. We only have this one life to enjoy.
I’ve missed quite a few blogging days, but life indeed does happen. Since the 1st of July, when I last wrote, the kitten we adopted needed to be put down. It turns out he was born with Parvo, and he was just too sick. He was only 1.8 lbs when I was at the emergency vet with him. It was a hard decision to make.
I’ve also started a side job to help with life within our joint family as my partner has been going through it since he’s in production. Times genuinely are tough for so many right now.
I’ve found that I need to take better care of myself when it comes to perceiving myself. I am too hard on myself and in many ways. I have been struggling, which comes to no surprise with my weight. I fear that if I am overweight, people, strangers will judge that possibly I overeat or I have no discipline, but that is not the case.
I listened to this podcast over the weekend where a woman talked of body positivity. She discussed mourning the clothes we have for when we “lose” the weight we have gained. I’m going to work on mourning that bottom drawer in my dresser.
Some days it does feel like I’m trying to tackle so much to feel good about myself, but I need to remember sometimes slowly and more thoroughly is the best way.
Until tomorrow….you know unless life happens a little too much.