Limbo…

It’s been a while since I’ve updated but it’s because I’m in limbo.  I was doing so well, I thought and eating right (still am) but I’m not losing weight.  Could be PCOS, could be I’m over 40, could be that I’m so out of shape.  It could be a lot of things but it makes for me to feel so discouraged.  So, I’m upping my out of shape game and going to focus on adding in exercise more.  Previously, I didn’t need to do this.  I ran, sure but I was able to just eat right and keep the weight off.  I’m 43 now so maybe my bodies changed and possibly the medications I’m on for my artery conditions are playing a part.  My sugars keeping going low as well, even after I eat.

My silver lining is that I’ve seen my doctor, brought him a list of questions and he told me he was sorry I wasn’t losing weight.  I know the logical things that can be happening but having PCOS and two rare artery conditions it’s nice to sometimes hear “I’m sorry”.

He’s running a bunch of tests.  My body dysmorphia is making it really hard for me to feel like I’m never going to get back down to my pre-heart attack weight.  I can’t and won’t be overweight like I was in the early years of PCOS.  Unless you’ve been through what I have you wouldn’t understand.  I’ve learned as well maybe certain people are the only ones to discuss these things with.  Even people, friends and family who care about you may not understand and it makes it hard.

I’ve found too that when I feel this way I want to eat bad.  For me eating bad is eating gluten or dairy.  I don’t overeat and people notice that but I feel eating the way I’ve been told not to is eating bad.

So my update is I’m a mess, I’m in limbo.  I won’t always be.  I will grow and I will update this blog more.  You never know, one of you may be feeling as I do and seeing me not give up could help.

Writing did what?

Today I wrote, in a journal, not online.  Today I began to uncover why I am having a hard time with accepting again that I do not have a body like most and the way I process food is much different for me since I have PCOS.

I wrote about my fears that go along with that special disease.  I wrote about my old blog, the one where I connected to so many with PCOS, Gluten Free, and Vegan alike to create recipes and share my journey.  I wrote about the anger I had as I began to drastically lose weight after Gastric Bypass. I wrote about the support group for the gastric bypass where when someone who said “We are here because we all ate too much” brought me to tears because I didn’t eat too much.  My body was working against me.  I wrote about the silly fears of never being able to eat certain things ever again. I wrote and wrote, much more than I thought I would.

It’s a sad reality for me that I would rather be dead then to ever be morbidly obese again.  This is my truth now.  I’m hoping that real work on me, re-doing my blog focused on PCOS and now my two beautiful rare artery conditions that I can again show others that even though at certain times things suck and my head tells me how horrible I look and my head tells me that eating certain things I know will make me sick but will get some weight off is just my head lying to me.  That I am so much more than how my body looks.

It’s odd how a Friday night conversation about life with your partner can open the flood gate of old feelings and help you to see where your blog, the outlet you pay for and don’t use is exactly what you need and that you can build it again into something it was and be there for others and share the not so pretty truth to living with PCOS, two rare artery conditions, gluten-free, and one day again dairy free.  If I live my truth for these things and practice self-care then I’m being good to me and present for those I love and need me.  Especially a beautiful 18-year-old woman, my daughter who also recently was diagnosed with PCOS. I want her to see how strong I always was but just forgot and how it’s always a fight with PCOS but it’s one that can be won.  I want her and others to know we can start over at any time. I want to do this again, for me.