It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”
Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.
I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.
I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.
I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.
Fact. It won’t always feel bad like it did yesterday. It’s no secret I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve tried, over the past couple of years to be more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Some days it’s much harder than others. Add in PCOS which is like a gift that keeps giving but you wish it would just stop and some days can make me feel pretty bad about my body.
Yesterday my schedule was off. For Christmas week I went to my client’s office at 6 am and that meant I skipped my normal early morning workout. I also then didn’t start the day drinking as much water as I have been. My client took me to lunch yesterday and I ate little treats during the day. I ended up eating dinner after 7 pm which I feel all food should be consumed before 7 pm. So, the day wasn’t set up for me to succeed. It could have been.
I could have planned more for the day knowing that I wasn’t going to have my normal schedule. I did succeed at some things yesterday though:
I still worked out, I did it at 8 pm but I did it. In the past, I would have skipped the workout and taken a “day off”.
I still held myself accountable with my workout and support group/challenge group.
I didn’t take the “gentle” laxatives I wanted to.
This is where my post today was heading towards. I used to use laxatives to make up for a bad day of eating and if you looked at what I ate you’d think “this could be a day that’s OK with me” and for me, I think “This is going to make me gain weight, the PCOS is going to take the gluten and have my body hold onto it, I’m going to gain at least 4 lbs. or more from today, I’m never going to lose this heart attack weight.” The cycle of putting me down begins.
I found these in a drawer by chance yesterday. My first instinct was to take the 3 or 4 pills I normally would take but the GROWTH was that I threw them away.
I thought a couple of things that helped me walk through old behavior. Behavior I’m not proud of but behaviors that made sense to me for some time. I thought:
I’m seeing a new doctor Friday, my PCOS is in full swing and I need to get focused again, really focused.
Having to eat Gluten & Dairy-free isn’t a punishment. It’s a part of my life. Like a diabetic and watching their sugar or a person with peanut allergies. These people aren’t being punished and they’ve learned to live life not having certain items in it.
What would Tantris say? (wise woman I look to for guidance)
Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m not giving up.
I have gone through this PCOS journey before, I succeeded. I need to remember I can do this, I did this. I need to remember my levels could be off and right now my ferritin is low as well. I’m not failing, I’m struggling and it won’t always be this way. I will have many successes and I need to remember my journey can help others with theirs like other’s journeys have helped mine and continue to do so. I follow so many women with PCOS and watch their adventure and it’s not always good. It’s not always bad either. It’s life and I continue to plan on walking through it with grace and practicing more and more that self-care I need.
I was feeling good about losing some of my heart attack weight. I was down 10 lbs. of the 58 I needed to lose after the heart meds I was on caused rapid weight gain.
I didn’t plan right for a weekend and gained 7 lbs. Over a weekend. No joke and I don’t over eat. I just ate gluten like a dumb-ass. Here’s the thing, I’m also trying intuitive eating. Because of PCOS and all I’ve gone through I deprive myself…a lot. I’ve learned to live that way and for the most part it’s not an issue. I’ve learned through this experience that I just can’t have gluten. Even in little amounts. Gluten and I are not friends. We have to break up. My body holds onto whatever I eat with gluten, I don’t process it right in my body, I feel bloated and gross for days.
I also have on top of it all Reactive Hypoglycemia. My sugar will crash when I have sugary foods or foods high in fat. I never have high blood sugar just low. I think this is because of the gastric bypass I had in 2007. The surgery that didn’t cure the PCOS but helped. The surgery that I blame my health decline on. The surgery in some ways I’m still grateful for…even with these issues.
I’m NOT giving up. I’m writing this for those who may also struggle with PCOS, I need to be passionate about this again. I have body dysmorphic disorder and I can’t let it win. Know that the weight, though harder for some, will come off. I’m not, after all my hard work letting PCOS win. I’ve already pre-packed for a short trip to the mountains for the 4th of July…No gluten for me, intuitive eating, keto friendly, and living my best life even when PCOS wants me to feel horrible about myself, I won’t let it.