365 of 42…Day 12 & 13

Yesterday was a busy day ending with a movie that started at 9:20 pm so that’s my quick input of the day.

Today I blog early. Today I’ve seen where what I see can mess with my head. Where I feel like it will always just be like this. Where being alone feels so much better. Where I question what I’m doing and wonder is this going to be good enough? Will the past be the past and I’m just good enough?

The beauty in the sadness I feel today is I’ve learned with all I’ve been through that feelings are not facts. That somewhere deep in me I know I’m worth so much good. On so many levels and I know that tomorrow I may have a totally different outlook on this situation. Today though it doesn’t feel good, probably only in my head and I know the only phone going forward I want to look at is mine. This is even when I’m being shown things. It could bring on hurt hunting and I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling less than.

In closing, I’m allowed to have this moment but I’m going to let it pass. Maybe not in 5 minutes but today. That’s growth.

Until tomorrow…


365 of 42…Day 6

New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…

Life Happens

Life happens and life’s sometimes good and full. Since my last post I’ve been busy with kids, school, and being happy. Happy which is foreign to me it seems but welcomed. I’ve been told that my smile lately is one people haven’t seen in some time. 

I had dinner with a woman I admire tonight and the visit reminded me I have my blog and to take a moment to remember how far I’ve come. Twenty Two years later I still cry when Jason is brought up and today his mother and I did just that. Ever so briefly. Black by Pearl Jam came on this morning. I’ve not heard it in some time and today I was having dinner with his mother. She noted it’s like he’s still with us and I believe this. Tonight for the first time in twenty plus years I was able to tell her how horrible I felt at his funeral when she told people as I was introduced to them how much he loved and cared for me. The guilt because that Friday I did drugs instead of having dinner with them. The guilt is gone and I didn’t know he’d leave us so quickly. I was young and know I’m not a bad person. I think Jason would be proud of me today. 

It reminds me how short life is and surviving a heart attack six months ago I want to live. I finally feel like I can. Like I’ve let go of what was and excited for what’s to come. Until next time…

A beautiful lady and Moi.