I Feel Pretty…Oh So Pretty…

You know the jingle. Today though I felt pretty. This doesn’t happen a lot but I’m working on self acceptance. So, I lived in the moment and felt good about me. It’s a nice feeling. It’s growth.

PCOS Blues

I hate PCOS. Fact.

I was feeling good about losing some of my heart attack weight. I was down 10 lbs. of the 58 I needed to lose after the heart meds I was on caused rapid weight gain.

I didn’t plan right for a weekend and gained 7 lbs. Over a weekend. No joke and I don’t over eat. I just ate gluten like a dumb-ass. Here’s the thing, I’m also trying intuitive eating. Because of PCOS and all I’ve gone through I deprive myself…a lot. I’ve learned to live that way and for the most part it’s not an issue. I’ve learned through this experience that I just can’t have gluten. Even in little amounts. Gluten and I are not friends. We have to break up. My body holds onto whatever I eat with gluten, I don’t process it right in my body, I feel bloated and gross for days.

I also have on top of it all Reactive Hypoglycemia. My sugar will crash when I have sugary foods or foods high in fat. I never have high blood sugar just low. I think this is because of the gastric bypass I had in 2007. The surgery that didn’t cure the PCOS but helped. The surgery that I blame my health decline on. The surgery in some ways I’m still grateful for…even with these issues.

I’m NOT giving up. I’m writing this for those who may also struggle with PCOS, I need to be passionate about this again. I have body dysmorphic disorder and I can’t let it win. Know that the weight, though harder for some, will come off. I’m not, after all my hard work letting PCOS win. I’ve already pre-packed for a short trip to the mountains for the 4th of July…No gluten for me, intuitive eating, keto friendly, and living my best life even when PCOS wants me to feel horrible about myself, I won’t let it.

Until next time.

Writing did what?

Today I wrote, in a journal, not online.  Today I began to uncover why I am having a hard time with accepting again that I do not have a body like most and the way I process food is much different for me since I have PCOS.

I wrote about my fears that go along with that special disease.  I wrote about my old blog, the one where I connected to so many with PCOS, Gluten Free, and Vegan alike to create recipes and share my journey.  I wrote about the anger I had as I began to drastically lose weight after Gastric Bypass. I wrote about the support group for the gastric bypass where when someone who said “We are here because we all ate too much” brought me to tears because I didn’t eat too much.  My body was working against me.  I wrote about the silly fears of never being able to eat certain things ever again. I wrote and wrote, much more than I thought I would.

It’s a sad reality for me that I would rather be dead then to ever be morbidly obese again.  This is my truth now.  I’m hoping that real work on me, re-doing my blog focused on PCOS and now my two beautiful rare artery conditions that I can again show others that even though at certain times things suck and my head tells me how horrible I look and my head tells me that eating certain things I know will make me sick but will get some weight off is just my head lying to me.  That I am so much more than how my body looks.

It’s odd how a Friday night conversation about life with your partner can open the flood gate of old feelings and help you to see where your blog, the outlet you pay for and don’t use is exactly what you need and that you can build it again into something it was and be there for others and share the not so pretty truth to living with PCOS, two rare artery conditions, gluten-free, and one day again dairy free.  If I live my truth for these things and practice self-care then I’m being good to me and present for those I love and need me.  Especially a beautiful 18-year-old woman, my daughter who also recently was diagnosed with PCOS. I want her to see how strong I always was but just forgot and how it’s always a fight with PCOS but it’s one that can be won.  I want her and others to know we can start over at any time. I want to do this again, for me.