Where do I begin? Let’s start with yesterday I made it to 21 years sober. That’s literally half my life. Through my sobriety I’ve been through a ton of good and a ton of bad and right now life is in session.
I’ve so not been good with keeping up with my blog and you know I’m not beating myself up. I have found what I’ll be using my blog for. My blog that used to be filled with PCOS info, gluten and dairy free yummy goodness and life as I knew it will now be a whirlwind of….
- Living with PCOS
- Living with heart disease
- Struggling as a single mom in school full time so I can better myself and show my kids you can start over.
- New relationship adventures
- Life as I know it with some fun and growing pains
Right now I’m so struggling. Half the time I want to give up. I get sad that I lost me and that my kids have so much with my ex and he’s a good dad to them but I feel cheated.
My weight is a HUGE issue for me right now as well. Living barely week to week I can’t afford the way I need to eat and it’s hard because with PCOS I’m supposed to eat gluten and dairy free and when my kids are with me I need to cook for them. I never want to be fat again. I would rather die. Sad fact but true. I remember how I was treated and looked down upon and I won’t go back to living like that. Tonight I bought myself healthy food and though it will cost more I have to eat right for my health and especially since my soon to be 18 year old was also diagnosed with PCOS.
Good news is I’m in school. It’s so different not attending in over 20 years but it makes me feel good about me and this fall I’ll be taking ballet again. Silver lining for when I feel low about myself.
The man I met, it’s been almost two years of us being together. He’s good to me but I worry I’m not good enough. I felt that way in my last relationship as well. This may just be a me, self esteem issue. Alanon is my friend still.
This was a mess of a post but it’s a start.
Daily or often I want to chronicle what it’s really like starting over. The good and bad of it all. One moment and sometimes one heart beat at a time.
So, have been enjoying life on life’s terms and I work six days a week too but when a friend wants to share exciting news with you on day seven you meet her for coffee at 8am.
I was able today to be present for her. To cry happy tears for her and to let her know my joy for her. To not be in my head and to be fully present for her was a plus.
My head can be a slippery slope to things being bad when they’re not. My life for the past couple of years was a lifetime movie or great material for a stand up act. Today it’s slowly becoming a good place where I don’t need to fear so much about the other shoe dropping and what bad is going to happen.
It was a blessing to be able to hear the news from my friend and be in a good place to be genuinely happy for her. From this moment one on one to other moments I know I have a lot of paying it forward to do with friends. I know I need to catch up with family. Did I mention I’ve now sent out some Happy New Years cards? Oh yeah and still in January and included for family current photos of the kids.
I’m not ready to take on the world but approaching the two year anniversary for my SCAD heart attack and how bad things were I’m seeing how much I’ve grown in almost two years.
Here’s to growth. The good and growing pains of it.
Until next time.
Yesterday was a busy day ending with a movie that started at 9:20 pm so that’s my quick input of the day.
Today I blog early. Today I’ve seen where what I see can mess with my head. Where I feel like it will always just be like this. Where being alone feels so much better. Where I question what I’m doing and wonder is this going to be good enough? Will the past be the past and I’m just good enough?
The beauty in the sadness I feel today is I’ve learned with all I’ve been through that feelings are not facts. That somewhere deep in me I know I’m worth so much good. On so many levels and I know that tomorrow I may have a totally different outlook on this situation. Today though it doesn’t feel good, probably only in my head and I know the only phone going forward I want to look at is mine. This is even when I’m being shown things. It could bring on hurt hunting and I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling less than.
In closing, I’m allowed to have this moment but I’m going to let it pass. Maybe not in 5 minutes but today. That’s growth.