Yesterday was hard. I am struggling with not overreacting to situations I am sure others do not overreact to. I have a 12-year-old and 17 year old at home who like to test my patience. I feel that all I hear from either of them are excuses. Today was the best example of the week when said 12-year-old did not want to mess up his shoes and wanted to climb over my seat. As I caught him, there was a muddy shoe print there. Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up. I was able to stop a complete disaster, but I need a break from anyone under 18.
I’m curious if what I am experiencing is “Autistic Burnout.” I have read up on it and done some research online. I feel I do suffer from burnout quite often, but because I do mask, it may not seem like burnout to me, but instead, my nerves are on overload, and I feel, so anxiety driven and exhausted. I hate how this feeling is that I just want to run away, and I am set off so easily. Either way, I hope as I uncover more about autism and how it is different for each individual that, I can process life a little easier.
I know we do not want to wish anyone the feelings I feel, but I hope to find some comfort and familiarity with other women suffering from burnout. I want to know when it is ok to say, “I need to recharge,” and take a break from people. This also brings up my problem with boundaries and difficulty setting and sticking to them. I know I cannot be upset with others if I do not have firm boundaries set in place.
This journey is truly like an onion being peeled. Layer after layer, uncovering the Kat I really am.
Once upon a time, the cute brunette here received her GED after years as an HR Director to show her kids you can accomplish goals at any age, and well, we had a 1950’s inspired party to celebrate. A few short weeks later, I had my “event,” and believe it or not, the smiles I showed here were false. I was a mess, being gaslit and struggling to feel normal. I am so grateful that early 2016 is many moons ago, and I’m thankful for my life today. I earned my bachelor’s in English Education, found out I’m autistic and suffer from PTSD, and I’m living my best life through it all. So odd that coming across a photo can stir up so many memories, good and bad. So grateful for my life today, even on the rough days!
This photo is also a great reminder of why I began to take care of myself more. If I had known in 2016 I was autistic as well, would it of made a difference? Would I have felt so much sensitivity to what was going on then? I’m so grateful that now and since my “event,” I’ve gained tools to walk through life so much easier.
I have found that I am in a funk. I know that life does ebb and flow, and I can feel whole any time now. When you have many health issues unanswered or feed into other issues, it can be so overwhelming. I don’t need to stay in the funk, however. I’ve decided to write here, to hopefully help others who are in a funk of their own.
So today, I bring you this short little post, and as the days go on, we will be on an adventure together. I will continue to be good to me. I will share with all who join me the honesty that goes into having a chronic illness. While playing mom to two kids, being a full-time college student, employee, partner, and friend. This is my living adventure, and I welcome you to come along. Until tomorrow…