365 of 42…Day 44

So day 44 and I’m not in the best of spaces. Not because life sucks, nope life’s for the most part good BUT my relationship with micro cardiovascular disease gets the finger. Dealing with my FMD and being a woman gets the finger. Not feeling like I can see doctors without stressing about work gets the finger.

So yesterday my period started and guess what? Waking yesterday without any prior pms symptoms I knew I was getting my period yesterday. I knew from the tightness in my neck, the ringing in my ears, my lack of concentration, the lightheaded feeling and my new heightened sense of emotion. All of this I didn’t go to bed with and all of this I woke with and I knew 100% my period would arrive yesterday and it did.

For someone who isn’t supposed to stress because it can cause another heart attack I seem to stress a lot.

The kicker is until Friday I don’t have healthcare because I can’t afford it. Next month I’ll be on track but single mom with unexpected expenses equals healthcare a few days late. So I keep doing all I can to remain calm. Not like I can take time off I feel but I have no sick pay. Good times.

This is reality sometimes. These are times I feel so alone. Today I really felt it and these are times that I see a lot of the pain or disappointment I feel is my own making. Heck why’d I have a heart attack? (Ok rare disease plus stress caused it) so really not all my doing.

At this moment I don’t feel together. I feel punished. I feel like I’ll always be alone and I have two kids who need me to be my best and sometimes I just want to be taken care of. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about healthcare or bills or that I’m doing good by my kids. This too shall pass.

In the big scheme I’ve not blogged for almost two weeks because life was in session and mostly good but mostly busy and I’m really working on taking care of me and right now this is the ugly side of having two rare artery conditions and I know in a couple of days these feelings will pass but today this journey is hard.

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365 of 42…Day 9

YES!

Let us just start by saying I haven’t felt this good after a class since I took my 2nd ballet lesson years ago.  Tonight I took a 1.5 hour flexibility & stretch class at the Cirque school I went to two weeks ago (took a week off for the holidays) BUT I’m committed to this….

Things I didn’t think I could do and did……

  • Almost complete half split
  • Back bend touching the wall (OK it took three attempts but I didn’t fall like I thought I would)
  • Stretches forward I forgot I could do.

It helped the teacher had a sense of humor.  It helped the people in the class did as well and it helped that I was ready to really give it a go.

After my heart attack being told I couldn’t run a marathon I thought it was over for me exercise wise and I was wrong.  I’m hoping with sticking to this, growing muscle again, and doing for me that I can do ballet again and feel confident and that I can do aerial again.  Not working out for almost two years can make a body weak and I understand my health came first but I’m tired of the extra weight and I do have the body issues WHICH I KNOW a lot of people do so doing for me felt good again.

My teacher even asked if I danced before because the way I raised my arms for the back bends.  It feels good to know that even not really doing ballet for a couple of years that I still have some form.

Today’s post is a good one.  It’s a “I did for me” and it felt good post.  It’s a post where as I sit here in bliss right now I know tomorrow I will be sore BUT it’s so worth it.  This is the best I’ve felt about my body in a long time and I’m hoping this journey continues.  It will.

Here’s my I’m kinda smiling but feel like jello shot.  Enjoy.

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Until tomorrow…..

365 of 42…Day 7 Oops & 8

Yesterday ended up being a long day and I ended the day not feeling well so I took a self care night off.

Before my night ended early I enjoyed a walk, literally down memory lane of my Junior High days and enjoyed the lights at the LA Zoo. It’s nice to get out and not think about life. So because I’m still not 100% here’s some photos from my adventure day.