Special Interests…It seems that is what my obsession with checking out the LA Coroners website is. Now, before you think that I am odd for an obsession with the LA Coroners website, this is actually a result of PTSD from having a heart attack at 40 years old. In my mind, if I can see how others die, I can avoid the same fate? This “special interest” also has me looking into “How can this person’s life have been different?”
I am an English major as well. I enjoy writing fiction, and my other half suggested I write a novel about a person like me and what kind of story could I come up with from it? This made me feel better about my little obsession with the website. I am 47 and do not want to die. I was fortunate I did not die from my heart attack. I was lucky to return to school and obtain my bachelor’s degree in English. I loved the idea of writing a novel about a fictional character like me but not me.
So, as my therapist says, my “special interest,” which I know others will not understand, can be turned into something good for me. An adventure into using my degree and my autism to write my first novel. I am unsure how long it will take to get this done, but it is nice to know I have an outlet to work on my little obsession.
Here is to uncovering more.
So, I will not apologize if it takes me a couple of days to add a post. I used to do that, BUT now I can see that I am still contributing to my blog. I’ve been having migraines and other issues, and it could be stress, it could be finding out I am autistic, it could be my FMD, and I have been resting a lot.
What I did want to bring up was…SOUNDS! I notice some sounds do get to me. I hate the sounds of cars racing down the street, I can’t stand motorcycles, and the fireworks that are shot off in my neighborhood quite often get to me too. I joke with my partner that when we move, we will move to a street with no motorcycles or people who feel the need to race down a residential street and do donuts at the intersection. I cannot handle it, and it does put me on edge.
I see my doctor tomorrow and will be bringing up what I have been feeling as well as the new sense of overwhelm since I have been diagnosed with autism. So, until tomorrow…
Yesterday was hard. I am struggling with not overreacting to situations I am sure others do not overreact to. I have a 12-year-old and 17 year old at home who like to test my patience. I feel that all I hear from either of them are excuses. Today was the best example of the week when said 12-year-old did not want to mess up his shoes and wanted to climb over my seat. As I caught him, there was a muddy shoe print there. Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up. I was able to stop a complete disaster, but I need a break from anyone under 18.
I’m curious if what I am experiencing is “Autistic Burnout.” I have read up on it and done some research online. I feel I do suffer from burnout quite often, but because I do mask, it may not seem like burnout to me, but instead, my nerves are on overload, and I feel, so anxiety driven and exhausted. I hate how this feeling is that I just want to run away, and I am set off so easily. Either way, I hope as I uncover more about autism and how it is different for each individual that, I can process life a little easier.
I know we do not want to wish anyone the feelings I feel, but I hope to find some comfort and familiarity with other women suffering from burnout. I want to know when it is ok to say, “I need to recharge,” and take a break from people. This also brings up my problem with boundaries and difficulty setting and sticking to them. I know I cannot be upset with others if I do not have firm boundaries set in place.
This journey is truly like an onion being peeled. Layer after layer, uncovering the Kat I really am.