Day 27…

I’ve missed quite a few blogging days, but life indeed does happen. Since the 1st of July, when I last wrote, the kitten we adopted needed to be put down. It turns out he was born with Parvo, and he was just too sick. He was only 1.8 lbs when I was at the emergency vet with him. It was a hard decision to make.

I’ve also started a side job to help with life within our joint family as my partner has been going through it since he’s in production. Times genuinely are tough for so many right now.

I’ve found that I need to take better care of myself when it comes to perceiving myself. I am too hard on myself and in many ways. I have been struggling, which comes to no surprise with my weight. I fear that if I am overweight, people, strangers will judge that possibly I overeat or I have no discipline, but that is not the case.

I listened to this podcast over the weekend where a woman talked of body positivity. She discussed mourning the clothes we have for when we “lose” the weight we have gained. I’m going to work on mourning that bottom drawer in my dresser.

Some days it does feel like I’m trying to tackle so much to feel good about myself, but I need to remember sometimes slowly and more thoroughly is the best way.

Until tomorrow….you know unless life happens a little too much.

Day 9…

So this gal is anemic again & has a thyroid being a little bitch and not working how it should. So I go in to see why my vision is off and why these migraines come to visit daily like an unwanted house guest, and instead, I find out other nonsense.

It’s funny that my ferritin is low again because, in my picture memories, it showed that I was getting an iron infusion this day last year. It’s like my body is on a cycle.

I can’t wait until I can go a year without my body reminding me who is in charge, and it seems this isn’t the year for that.

This day 2020. Funny how life repeats itself.

Anxiety oh my

It’s been weighing on my mind lately the anxiety that surrounds my monthly cycle and my IBS-c. So, when my monthly cycle comes, I can’t leave my home. I’m wait-listed, thanks to COVID, to have my uterus removed since the amount of bleeding I have monthly isn’t right. When I say I can’t leave my home, I mean that I stand in the shower throughout it because the clotting that happens isn’t to be messed with. It’s debilitating.

On top of that, I was diagnosed with IBS-c, but I was told my case is tricky since I also have IBS-d. I have no middle ground to speak of. Yes, these two lovely items in my life bring on anxiety.

Today I am to have my first facial in over a year. I also should have gotten my period by now, but it hasn’t started yet. My mind instantly goes to “What if it starts during my facial?” My mind then begins to constantly fixate on whether or not my period will start. Let’s look where my mind also goes “What if the Linzess kicks in while I’m having my facial?” You know, I’m on the table, and my stomach decides it is in control, and I need a bathroom ASAP. These situations are constantly going through my mind because the place could be any location I need to be at for any reason.

More importantly, my cycle is messed up from the IUD I briefly had to stop my periods but instead gave me a three-month-long adventure. I have a Colonoscopy scheduled for the end of the month, and what if my cycle doesn’t come and then it arrives after I have prepped for the procedure and the morning of it starts? Do I cancel? Do I pray nothing bad happens until after? I still can’t forget the horror movie in real life after my last angiogram. That was not a fun experience. More of an “OH MY GOD, will this ever stop?” and “I can’t believe they had me lay there for so many hours!” There was also the embarrassment. Let us not forget that.

I write this for the others out there who feel this same anxiety. To focus your life around a monthly period or IBS issues is complicated. When you should live your life without the worry of hormonal problems or IBS issues, but you can’t, it is hard. I’m currently working on fixing these issues, and the anxiety won’t last forever. I want others to know we can live with situations that fill us with anxiety, but it does not last forever. I will get through today and my Colonoscopy the best that I can, and if life throws me a curveball, I know I will be OK. I have had many curveballs in the past. Please know you are not alone, and I hope seeing a little of my story lets you know that.

Finally, find some support. I’ve been working with my anxiety and I have a great support group of people. I wish the same for whoever is reading this and having the same anxiety as I am. It won’t always feel this hard, it will get better.

Until next time….