365 of 42…Day 12 & 13

Yesterday was a busy day ending with a movie that started at 9:20 pm so that’s my quick input of the day.

Today I blog early. Today I’ve seen where what I see can mess with my head. Where I feel like it will always just be like this. Where being alone feels so much better. Where I question what I’m doing and wonder is this going to be good enough? Will the past be the past and I’m just good enough?

The beauty in the sadness I feel today is I’ve learned with all I’ve been through that feelings are not facts. That somewhere deep in me I know I’m worth so much good. On so many levels and I know that tomorrow I may have a totally different outlook on this situation. Today though it doesn’t feel good, probably only in my head and I know the only phone going forward I want to look at is mine. This is even when I’m being shown things. It could bring on hurt hunting and I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling less than.

In closing, I’m allowed to have this moment but I’m going to let it pass. Maybe not in 5 minutes but today. That’s growth.

Until tomorrow…

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365 of 42…Day 9

YES!

Let us just start by saying I haven’t felt this good after a class since I took my 2nd ballet lesson years ago.  Tonight I took a 1.5 hour flexibility & stretch class at the Cirque school I went to two weeks ago (took a week off for the holidays) BUT I’m committed to this….

Things I didn’t think I could do and did……

  • Almost complete half split
  • Back bend touching the wall (OK it took three attempts but I didn’t fall like I thought I would)
  • Stretches forward I forgot I could do.

It helped the teacher had a sense of humor.  It helped the people in the class did as well and it helped that I was ready to really give it a go.

After my heart attack being told I couldn’t run a marathon I thought it was over for me exercise wise and I was wrong.  I’m hoping with sticking to this, growing muscle again, and doing for me that I can do ballet again and feel confident and that I can do aerial again.  Not working out for almost two years can make a body weak and I understand my health came first but I’m tired of the extra weight and I do have the body issues WHICH I KNOW a lot of people do so doing for me felt good again.

My teacher even asked if I danced before because the way I raised my arms for the back bends.  It feels good to know that even not really doing ballet for a couple of years that I still have some form.

Today’s post is a good one.  It’s a “I did for me” and it felt good post.  It’s a post where as I sit here in bliss right now I know tomorrow I will be sore BUT it’s so worth it.  This is the best I’ve felt about my body in a long time and I’m hoping this journey continues.  It will.

Here’s my I’m kinda smiling but feel like jello shot.  Enjoy.

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Until tomorrow…..

365 of 42…Day 6

New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…