I worked hard to start anew. Sometimes I feel I’m working too hard for the things I worked for before and before it took me to finally having a heart attack.
The good news is I know I’m worthy of good now. I know I deserve good and I’m doing the little things to get me to where I’m independent and feeling strong like before.
I’ve learned I want honesty, no secrets. I won’t accept having things hidden from me. I lived that and can’t again.
I feel free knowing this and knowing my worth though it can bring sadness when I see the good in others. I just can’t repeat losing me again for someone’s acceptance of me. For someone to want me.
That’s not repeating the past. Daily I feel a little stronger. Daily I see that even if I end up alone that I will be okay. That I’m doing the best I can.
I’ve not been good about keeping up with my blog. I felt trauma over my blog. Afraid to write how I felt and I used to have this amazing blog but now I struggle. After feeling forced to delete it I lost so much. Maybe this blog post will show someone it gets better. It may not feel good at times but there’s growth.
That’s the thing about healing. It doesn’t always feel good but each day gets a little better.
Until next time…
Life happens and life’s sometimes good and full. Since my last post I’ve been busy with kids, school, and being happy. Happy which is foreign to me it seems but welcomed. I’ve been told that my smile lately is one people haven’t seen in some time.
I had dinner with a woman I admire tonight and the visit reminded me I have my blog and to take a moment to remember how far I’ve come. Twenty Two years later I still cry when Jason is brought up and today his mother and I did just that. Ever so briefly. Black by Pearl Jam came on this morning. I’ve not heard it in some time and today I was having dinner with his mother. She noted it’s like he’s still with us and I believe this. Tonight for the first time in twenty plus years I was able to tell her how horrible I felt at his funeral when she told people as I was introduced to them how much he loved and cared for me. The guilt because that Friday I did drugs instead of having dinner with them. The guilt is gone and I didn’t know he’d leave us so quickly. I was young and know I’m not a bad person. I think Jason would be proud of me today.
It reminds me how short life is and surviving a heart attack six months ago I want to live. I finally feel like I can. Like I’ve let go of what was and excited for what’s to come. Until next time…
A beautiful lady and Moi.
Today, not going to lie was hard. Today I didn’t wake up and get to wish the best five year old boy ever Happy Birthday.
However; I did make him the best amateur Lego cake and he loved it. I still got to see him.
My ex and I decided cake, dinner, and the new Jurassic Park film with our kids. I felt uncomfortable in the home I decorated and felt like a stranger there. It was a trigger. I get angry when I’m hurt or unsure of how to react and my ex shuts down. There was a falling out. It was truly my doing. I’m hurt, scared, and just received an apology about our marriage BUT I have a lot of work to heal.
It all worked out for the evening. We made it to the mall, bought the boy two pairs of shoes, we all ate dinner together, and a little boy cuddled me through the movie.
Life’s not what I expect it to be. A lot has happened to us both. I’ve found in Alanon I’ve become very bitter after the years and I really need to heal and really forgive. We aren’t bad people and our children are loved by us both and they’re really what matters. I saw that tonight. Despite my hurt I can heal through working on me and my kids can have two parents in different homes who love them to death.
Some photos of the boy and his amateur award winning Lego cake.