One can be totally grateful while totally exhausted. I’m exhausted. I cry cooking meals for my children and myself sometimes. I wish there was a service that could come cook healthy meals for us all.
Reality, that’s not anywhere near what I can do financially, at this moment. With two rare artery conditions I can get very tired by early evening. I fell short of breath and just want to rest.
I need rest BUT I push forward to the best of my ability. I’m also so grateful that I survived and that I have these struggles. That some days I’m 100% Okay. Other days I’m not and I’m grateful I get through the bad and enjoy the good. I’m grateful I have two kids that accept their mom isn’t always 100%. I’m grateful that through all of this I’m maintaining a A grade level in college full time and able to work too. I’m grateful I have a partner who does the best he can to support me and love me when I can get really hard on myself. I’m grateful I have this blog again to hopefully show others we can all walk through life with grace even when it doesn’t feel good.
I’m grateful. We all need to remember to be in gratitude. It really does help us through the rough times.
The holidays are approaching and the anxiety of “Will I be able to pull this off” is approaching at a quick pace.
It’s no secret until I’m done with school I’m pretty much broke. I also have a eight year old boy who may not get that I want to make him gifts or get him practical things. My eighteen year old is super understanding and she knows that me being back at school is truly making financial sacrifices at this moment.
The guilt I feel that their father can do for them gets to me a lot. It gets to me a lot that I put him first, put him through school and didn’t do for me BUT that was my choice. A choice I’ve learned that I can’t undo but I can learn from my mistakes and know I won’t put anyone other than my kids first because I deserve good too.
So, now that we know the reason I’m in this situation is because of choices I made all I can do is get what I can, sacrifice things I may need until after the holidays, look on eBay for used items that I can make look like they’re from Santa (Santa gifts come ready to go) and make my kids feel so loved.
I’ve learned money doesn’t buy happiness and I’m going to work towards this Christmas to show both my children that the holidays are about family and being together. It’s not always about the shiny new things that kids forget about too quickly.
What are ways you make the holidays easier or less exe pensive for your family?
It’s a yearly tradition to go to this show featuring Danny Elfman. It’s a tradition with me and two friends. This year I had to be honest that before this show I couldn’t afford to pay my ticket. Life’s much different right now. I’m worried about how I will get by the next couple of weeks with certain bills due and a boy who needs a haircut (this is happening today, it has to).
Humility is good for us all to experience from time to time. I think it keeps us grounded. I was honest with my one friend that I couldn’t pay her until I received my grant around the 1st of November and it was nice to hear she still wanted me to go and I could pay her when I could.
I have to remember to accept kindness when living within my means and being honest where I am financially. I used to be able to do whatever I pretty much wanted but life happened and for a while life is going to be much different. I don’t like to ask for help either. I don’t feel like I can return the help for some time and that makes me worry and feel guilt. Even though I used to help others, it’s hard for me to accept help.
I can’t live in fear of how I’ll pay my bills or feed my children. I have clothes that are old, with holes in sweaters, shoes that I need to purchase BUT I do actually have a lot of clothes and at this point I need to make do with what I’ve got or repair said clothes with holes and I have been doing this.
This is continuing to be a great and uncomfortable growth lesson and I hope it doesn’t always feel more bad than good. I have to remember I’m doing this to better myself and my children and the outcome is what I need to be focused on. Tomorrow I’m also starting a 40/40 day challenge. I hope this too will help me declutter and be OK with me.