Today I’ve been in the “I’m not worthy frame of mind” and I’ve learned there’s ways to stop those thoughts and turn it around. So I will list what I like about me. Some things deep and some things simple but they all add up to moi!!!
What is great about Moi:
- I’m good at being there for others.
- I’m Tina Fey funny. Ask most strangers who meet me.
- I can do great hairdos that look vintage.
- I have great feet with my amazing kids tattooed on them.
- I can rock a a-line dress.
- I sing great off key and my kids love it.
- I enjoy reading.
- I have a great laugh.
- The best amateur ballerina (in my own mind).
- I can make great gluten free desserts.
- I remember landmarks when traveling so I’m great to travel with.
- I make awesome pancakes.
- I love talking to strangers. You never know if it will make their day or mine.
- I’ve been sober half my life.
- My tattoos all have meanings.
Ok, here’s 15 things I like about moi. There’s so much more. So….when my head thinks bad things I can always do little lists reminding me how awesome I really am.
This is a huge growing curve for me. This is the least amount of money I’ve lived on, I have no healthcare at the moment BUT when school is finished I will be on another path that won’t be so hard.
Where do I begin? Let’s start with yesterday I made it to 21 years sober. That’s literally half my life. Through my sobriety I’ve been through a ton of good and a ton of bad and right now life is in session.
I’ve so not been good with keeping up with my blog and you know I’m not beating myself up. I have found what I’ll be using my blog for. My blog that used to be filled with PCOS info, gluten and dairy free yummy goodness and life as I knew it will now be a whirlwind of….
- Living with PCOS
- Living with heart disease
- Struggling as a single mom in school full time so I can better myself and show my kids you can start over.
- New relationship adventures
- Life as I know it with some fun and growing pains
Right now I’m so struggling. Half the time I want to give up. I get sad that I lost me and that my kids have so much with my ex and he’s a good dad to them but I feel cheated.
My weight is a HUGE issue for me right now as well. Living barely week to week I can’t afford the way I need to eat and it’s hard because with PCOS I’m supposed to eat gluten and dairy free and when my kids are with me I need to cook for them. I never want to be fat again. I would rather die. Sad fact but true. I remember how I was treated and looked down upon and I won’t go back to living like that. Tonight I bought myself healthy food and though it will cost more I have to eat right for my health and especially since my soon to be 18 year old was also diagnosed with PCOS.
Good news is I’m in school. It’s so different not attending in over 20 years but it makes me feel good about me and this fall I’ll be taking ballet again. Silver lining for when I feel low about myself.
The man I met, it’s been almost two years of us being together. He’s good to me but I worry I’m not good enough. I felt that way in my last relationship as well. This may just be a me, self esteem issue. Alanon is my friend still.
This was a mess of a post but it’s a start.
Daily or often I want to chronicle what it’s really like starting over. The good and bad of it all. One moment and sometimes one heart beat at a time.
So, have been enjoying life on life’s terms and I work six days a week too but when a friend wants to share exciting news with you on day seven you meet her for coffee at 8am.
I was able today to be present for her. To cry happy tears for her and to let her know my joy for her. To not be in my head and to be fully present for her was a plus.
My head can be a slippery slope to things being bad when they’re not. My life for the past couple of years was a lifetime movie or great material for a stand up act. Today it’s slowly becoming a good place where I don’t need to fear so much about the other shoe dropping and what bad is going to happen.
It was a blessing to be able to hear the news from my friend and be in a good place to be genuinely happy for her. From this moment one on one to other moments I know I have a lot of paying it forward to do with friends. I know I need to catch up with family. Did I mention I’ve now sent out some Happy New Years cards? Oh yeah and still in January and included for family current photos of the kids.
I’m not ready to take on the world but approaching the two year anniversary for my SCAD heart attack and how bad things were I’m seeing how much I’ve grown in almost two years.
Here’s to growth. The good and growing pains of it.
Until next time.