On this 42nd day of my journey into blogging, I still need to schedule the daily things I do to make me feel good about myself. I even include my daily medications because taking my daily medications can be missed. I get too sucked in to “what needs to be done right now” and forget about what keeps me sane.
Since I get distracted easily, I’ve made my weekly schedule something I check off to keep myself accountable for taking care of myself. Part of this daily schedule is blogging. It seems to be something I often miss since I have not blogged for the past 12 days. What is that? The amount I’ve blogged over the past 42 days is more than I have in the past couple of years. That’s progress, not perfection, and a great example of growth.
My blog is part of my self-care. It is something that brought joy to me. My previous blog was about helping women living with PCOS to see that they can battle PCOS with grace, just as I do. I hope to get back to that. To get to be a forum where I can post things to help others and still live a fun life and share that part of me too. Finally, to continue to be honest that it’s not always easy. I’m harder on myself than anyone could be, and I hope that I can change my perspective on myself over time, doing these daily things to make me feel good.
Daily To Do Check-Off List:
Daily Alanon Readings & Some Writing
Daily Gratitude Email (7+ years strong with the same 5 women)
Twenty-Nine days in, and I am still stuck in body dysmorphia. Why can’t it just be easier to lose weight? I get it, I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), FMD (Fibromuscular Dysplasia), and I am not twenty anymore. I understand it is harder for me than others to lose weight, but it does not make me feel any better about the situation. It is a hard day today, and here are some of the roadblocks I have found that I do in which the journey is even harder:
I feel punished. I cannot eat like other people because I am supposed to eat gluten and dairy-free. With PCOS, it is suggested not to eat a “poor man’s diet,” and although I find that term off-putting, the way it was described to me was not to eat white bread (high carbs), potatoes (starches), and high sugar fruit and snacks. I feel like I will never be able to eat these things, and then I do. It is not that I eat a ton, but even a little for me is too much. I have to remember I am not being punished for having PCOS and other medical conditions. There are people allergic to nuts and other foods, and they are not being punished either. I need to remember my body is just different.
I am too concerned with the scale. I weigh myself daily, which can impact my mood. I try not to but then, even when I am doing the right things, but the scale is not showing the results, it can make me feel even worse about myself. I realize I give this object too much power.
I have a drawer filled with the clothes I wore before my health issues began in 2016. I am not that same person from five years ago.
I am learning to be in acceptance which I see as an ongoing journey. I am making progress, not perfection, with the way my body is today. I have a partner who accepts me for me, and he loves my body no matter what, and he tells me that I need to see my body is perfect as it is. He means well, but this journey for me has been a long and hard one.
A new step I have taken to being kinder to me is I have just started the podcast “Body Image with Bri,” which I hope will help me be in more acceptance within my body no matter what I weigh or what size I wear.
Growth can be hard but without it you remain stuck and I want to grow. We only have this one life to enjoy.
I have found that I am in a funk. I know that life does ebb and flow, and I can feel whole any time now. When you have many health issues unanswered or feed into other issues, it can be so overwhelming. I don’t need to stay in the funk, however. I’ve decided to write here, to hopefully help others who are in a funk of their own.
So today, I bring you this short little post, and as the days go on, we will be on an adventure together. I will continue to be good to me. I will share with all who join me the honesty that goes into having a chronic illness. While playing mom to two kids, being a full-time college student, employee, partner, and friend. This is my living adventure, and I welcome you to come along. Until tomorrow…