365 of 42…Day 12 & 13

Yesterday was a busy day ending with a movie that started at 9:20 pm so that’s my quick input of the day.

Today I blog early. Today I’ve seen where what I see can mess with my head. Where I feel like it will always just be like this. Where being alone feels so much better. Where I question what I’m doing and wonder is this going to be good enough? Will the past be the past and I’m just good enough?

The beauty in the sadness I feel today is I’ve learned with all I’ve been through that feelings are not facts. That somewhere deep in me I know I’m worth so much good. On so many levels and I know that tomorrow I may have a totally different outlook on this situation. Today though it doesn’t feel good, probably only in my head and I know the only phone going forward I want to look at is mine. This is even when I’m being shown things. It could bring on hurt hunting and I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling less than.

In closing, I’m allowed to have this moment but I’m going to let it pass. Maybe not in 5 minutes but today. That’s growth.

Until tomorrow…


365 of 42…Day 6

New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…

Really? You care?

I thought we had the bullying behind us though it creeps it’s head from time to time.  For instance….my daughter breaking down about a week ago but she’s afraid to make friends because she was betrayed and bullied last year.  She said she didn’t even trust adults because well, adults failed her as well.

This got to me.  I guess it’s also National Anti-Bullying Month so some of those who bullied her are all for RIP pages for children who committed suicide from bullying.  These bullies themselves.  I believe to get a lot of likes on facebook and not because they care.  Where were they when my daughter was bullied by more than 200 students at her school?  Oh yeah they were bullying her.  Theres one girl for instance who made fun of my daughters weight and she’s wanting to do a anti-bullying poster campaign at the middle school she used to attend.  Really? After what she said???

The sad thing is that she found out how many of her “friends” were talking about her.  Someone apologized to her because they said they were doing it too but realized she wasn’t mean like people were saying.  Why was my daughter mean you ask???

Well, my daughter was hit by a teacher during the orientation at her school and again the week after it started.  Another teacher brought up to her whole class if anyone had been talked down to by him anything they didn’t feel right being done to them by him and she said she’d been hit.  There were witnesses to the events.  At this point she felt safe.  Turns out he was the popular teacher because he helped the numbers at this school and so parents who told me he was verbally abusive looked the other way and students with the help of the teacher who admitted to hitting her started bullying her.  Complete strangers blaming her.

Sick….Sick that people looked the other way…..sick that her friends to fit in abandoned her….sick that people pretended to like her just to make her feel worse…Just sick.

My daughter started a new school this year and on the 1st day received a call that she was a mistake from the abortion clinic and that she got the teacher fired.  REALLY??????  Again, this teacher admitted to touching my child!

I don’t care if people get upset that I’ve posted this.  What parents defend a teacher because of money for a school?  What students think it’s OK to bully a child who already feels alone from a situation that should have been done in private and not in front of a whole class by a teacher who I believe had it out for the other teacher?

My daughter will heal and get the help she needs and is at a smaller school that is Anti Bullying with an amazing principal.  One who listens.  It took a death threat for the principal last year to listen, a death threat.

I hope these kids who are so anti bullying really mean it and stop bullying kids to fit in.  My daughter was lucky.  The two girls who’ve taken their lives since September weren’t so lucky.

Do something, talk to your kids about the importance of standing up for their friends no matter what.  My daughter was abandoned.  I get the whole trying to fit in during the first year of middle school but I wonder if those kids knew what it did to her if they’d do it again.  Again for a teacher who admitted to touching her.  No adult ever should touch a child or verbally abuse them in a school setting or anywhere.

My hope is to do more to make the reality of bullying real and not just a story on the news or facebook.  Bullying happens more than people realize and it’s sad when parents find out their child was a bully.  I don’t think parents raise their children to be bullies.  I really feel a lot of it is their own insecurities and taking it out on someone they feel would be an easy target, someone insecure themselves.  How sad it is to feel better people really do damage another and their soul even.

Lets really put a stop to bullying.  It won’t happen over night but really making people aware could be a start.