Tag: fear

Anxiety oh my

Published on by KatLeave a comment

It’s been weighing on my mind lately the anxiety that surrounds my monthly cycle and my IBS-c. So, when my monthly cycle comes, I can’t leave my home. I’m wait-listed, thanks to COVID, to have my uterus removed since the amount of bleeding I have monthly isn’t right. When I say I can’t leave my home, I mean that I stand in the shower throughout it because the clotting that happens isn’t to be messed with. It’s debilitating.

On top of that, I was diagnosed with IBS-c, but I was told my case is tricky since I also have IBS-d. I have no middle ground to speak of. Yes, these two lovely items in my life bring on anxiety.

Today I am to have my first facial in over a year. I also should have gotten my period by now, but it hasn’t started yet. My mind instantly goes to “What if it starts during my facial?” My mind then begins to constantly fixate on whether or not my period will start. Let’s look where my mind also goes “What if the Linzess kicks in while I’m having my facial?” You know, I’m on the table, and my stomach decides it is in control, and I need a bathroom ASAP. These situations are constantly going through my mind because the place could be any location I need to be at for any reason.

More importantly, my cycle is messed up from the IUD I briefly had to stop my periods but instead gave me a three-month-long adventure. I have a Colonoscopy scheduled for the end of the month, and what if my cycle doesn’t come and then it arrives after I have prepped for the procedure and the morning of it starts? Do I cancel? Do I pray nothing bad happens until after? I still can’t forget the horror movie in real life after my last angiogram. That was not a fun experience. More of an “OH MY GOD, will this ever stop?” and “I can’t believe they had me lay there for so many hours!” There was also the embarrassment. Let us not forget that.

I write this for the others out there who feel this same anxiety. To focus your life around a monthly period or IBS issues is complicated. When you should live your life without the worry of hormonal problems or IBS issues, but you can’t, it is hard. I’m currently working on fixing these issues, and the anxiety won’t last forever. I want others to know we can live with situations that fill us with anxiety, but it does not last forever. I will get through today and my Colonoscopy the best that I can, and if life throws me a curveball, I know I will be OK. I have had many curveballs in the past. Please know you are not alone, and I hope seeing a little of my story lets you know that.

Finally, find some support. I’ve been working with my anxiety and I have a great support group of people. I wish the same for whoever is reading this and having the same anxiety as I am. It won’t always feel this hard, it will get better.

Until next time….

Day 1…In a time of Covid-19

Published on by KatLeave a comment

Today was a total self care day. I did a lot of nothing. I did accomplish the following:

1. Went by work at 7 am and picked up work and office items so I could work from home. We’ve gone there.

2. Prepared for my school week. I need to complete my courses. One day I need to be better off financially.

3. I wiped a laptop clean. Skills ha! I’m getting stuff done.

4. Completed Week 3, Day 1 of Phase 2 of my Beach Body Barre Blend workout. I won’t gain weight in this time of Corona.

5. Stayed in gratitude.

In all I won today. People I care about deeply are very worried about this virus going around and I don’t know how to calm their fears. Someone else I know may have the virus and so many I know are now indoors only and without income. Those with money are still not struggling so much but some of us, living paycheck to paycheck this is a hard time. This too shall pass and life will slow down and this showed me at least I really need a prudent reserve.

Now, here’s a couple photos from my day. I was mask wearing to get some groceries we needed, I complete a workout, and I used some seasonings to make some awesome chicken. Winning!! Until tomorrow.

Does this mask make my glasses foggy?
I’m so sweaty here. Be glad you’re keeping distance.
Ballet Barre & Legos. Mom life.
Yummy seasonings to make yummy chicken.

Limbo…

Published on by KatLeave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve updated but it’s because I’m in limbo.  I was doing so well, I thought and eating right (still am) but I’m not losing weight.  Could be PCOS, could be I’m over 40, could be that I’m so out of shape.  It could be a lot of things but it makes for me to feel so discouraged.  So, I’m upping my out of shape game and going to focus on adding in exercise more.  Previously, I didn’t need to do this.  I ran, sure but I was able to just eat right and keep the weight off.  I’m 43 now so maybe my bodies changed and possibly the medications I’m on for my artery conditions are playing a part.  My sugars keeping going low as well, even after I eat.

My silver lining is that I’ve seen my doctor, brought him a list of questions and he told me he was sorry I wasn’t losing weight.  I know the logical things that can be happening but having PCOS and two rare artery conditions it’s nice to sometimes hear “I’m sorry”.

He’s running a bunch of tests.  My body dysmorphia is making it really hard for me to feel like I’m never going to get back down to my pre-heart attack weight.  I can’t and won’t be overweight like I was in the early years of PCOS.  Unless you’ve been through what I have you wouldn’t understand.  I’ve learned as well maybe certain people are the only ones to discuss these things with.  Even people, friends and family who care about you may not understand and it makes it hard.

I’ve found too that when I feel this way I want to eat bad.  For me eating bad is eating gluten or dairy.  I don’t overeat and people notice that but I feel eating the way I’ve been told not to is eating bad.

So my update is I’m a mess, I’m in limbo.  I won’t always be.  I will grow and I will update this blog more.  You never know, one of you may be feeling as I do and seeing me not give up could help.