Thank You, COVID, I’m Back!

It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”

Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.

I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.

I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.

I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.

Day 14 in a time of Covid-19…

Did you know life and life’s ups and downs don’t stop because of a pandemic? True story. Yesterday and today I feel really sad. Letting go of what I thought would happen one day is hard. I cry when I think about it. Between that another situation I’ve said I’d let go I don’t know if my relationship will last for the long run. That’s being honest. Do I want to feel this when that person is someone I’m isolated with? No. The first letting go over time I can do but the second I’m not so sure. Time will tell and this sadness will pass. This is a total growth moment and ya know what? At least I’m forced to feel and work through it because I can’t run from my feelings by over doing it right now.

Yesterday I also took my final walk of the week with the boy. We took a walk each day he was with me. So nice to get out with no one else walking around and spend some time getting a bit of exercise in and the boy being able to scooter. Win/Win for us both. See some good too.

I notice lately I’ve been down more than up with my posts but come on, this isn’t a feel good time in history and this isn’t just hitting the United States. This is a worldwide pandemic and it’s sad. Just so sad. It will get better. That’s the silver lining.

My schedule for the week is ready, I’m focused on bettering me and it’s my alone week. I wonder the good that can happen. Let’s see. Until tomorrow.

Do you see the beautiful white butterfly we saw on our walk? Beauty in a time of Covid-19

Day 10 in a time of Covid-19…

Get ready…here we go…

My goodness, yesterday focused around the fact that I ate so poorly. Gluten is NEVER my friend but I couldn’t stop yesterday. I am still trying to figure it out. I really hated how it made me feel but I couldn’t stop. I feel so out of control internally right now. Like I don’t know which way is up. I know it’s day two of my monthly cycle but yesterday I just felt so powerless. Like anything and days before I do have a new day today. It’s the first time in my 44 years around the world that I thought “am I emotionally eating?”. I know I was lazy yesterday too. I made it into the office to switch out work but I fought to get my 5 hours in. Here’s to a new day…

I skipped my workout yesterday which means two today. I’m OK with that. One thing I noticed yesterday is that I’ve been keeping to my 5 days a week (ok really 5 workouts a week). I’ve been doing 5 workouts a week for 4 weeks now. That my friends is progress and even though I sucked on the food front yesterday I can say I am doing something good for me. I think, especially right now when being told to shelter in place that exercise is good for the soul. It’s at least keeping me going.

The boy skipped school yesterday, you know keeping in with my day. Ha! Seriously though, today he has a day of school to complete and tomorrow. Since I’m the teacher right now I gave him the day off. We also found out yesterday that the state of California is closing schools until the end of the school year (maybe this was my trigger for poor eating yesterday?). This overwhelmed this homeschooling mom because I, myself am a full time college student and I’m a employee as well. It’s hard enough trying to get the boy to stay focused but I have to arrange so much into my/our day. Today, not only is it packed with 4th grade fun but I also have school work to complete, a lot of it and 4-6 hours of work too.

Yesterday was hard and I’m not the only one having a hard time. My hope by blogging daily is to show others they are not alone. We are all struggling with this new normal. My silver lining for yesterday was my rent for April was paid. I’m grateful I was able to pay my rent when so many are not. I’m grateful I have my job still when so many are out of work. In this time of Covid-19 we need to remember the little things and even though I didn’t feel good about yesterday I did have some good. I did end the day watching Onward with my two kids. I ended my day surrounded by loved ones and I’m grateful we are all safe and I’m so sorry for all those who’ve lost people.

Until tomorrow….

See that? In the distance? It’s the Pacific Ocean. Beautiful. My view on my way home yesterday.