Luxury AKA The Extras

As it’s been said in previous posts I’m on a super strict budget. On this budget and being in a whole new financial situation I’ve learned to cut my own hair, color my own hair, get cheap haircuts and pretty much try and save money any way I can but feel like I’m beautiful or at least very pretty.

I was given some money from a bond that matured from when I was married. I was able to buy Christmas gifts and I got my hair done.

Normally it would be a fun experience to get ones hair done BUT for me it was just to make my hair look decent. To have a even cut, straight bangs and hair all one color. To me this was a luxury and something that needed to be done.

These days I need to pick and choose what’s important. I want and possibly need blue ballet flats but those can wait. Really the black ones I have can go with everything. There’s also so much I want to get me but I’m glad I made the decision I did and I will save to get my hair done every couple of months. It’s something I can look forward to and practice a bit of self-care.

My normal color and haircut but I feel more put together. That’s what matters.

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Self Discovery Minus a Scale

This morning I went to the restroom as I normally do BUT I also went to weigh myself.  My scale is missing.

Last night I gave said scale to my boyfriend.  I may have this problem weighing myself too much and then the scale decides how I feel about me.

I was thin until I was 21.  I was then diagnosed with PCOS after gaining 100 lbs. in a year.  I tried everything to lose the weight but it seems I have the insulin resistance form of PCOS so I had gastric bypass in 2007 at the suggestion of an Endocrinologist who noted that if this evasive form of the bypass is done then it can reverse the PCOS symptoms.  It worked.  I was thin again but let me note that I was not a stick.  I’m 5″4 and when I got down to 135 lbs. I looked sickly.  I’m blessed with hips which I love so at 5″4 140 is about perfect for me.

Now mind you though after I lost said weight I now suffer from body dysmorphia.  Why?  When I look in the mirror I see the old me.  I don’t see the me that lost and kept the weight off.  I also didn’t have the overeating issue so for me it was truly helping with a medical condition.

Then we welcome year 2016.  In March of 2016 due to reasons I would love to keep private I had a SCAD Heart Attack.  It’s a Sudden Coronary Artery Dissection.  I was told I couldn’t exercise the way I used to and I can’t lift more than 10 lbs. and I should never have children again (luckily I was done) and and and….so many restrictions.  I’m used to being active.  I’m used to self care through taking care of myself physically.

So it’s now 2018.  I’ve gained weight and the PCOS makes it harder to lose the weight but not impossible.  I noticed I was obsessing on my weight.  Like buying apps to monitor my food and weighing myself a lot.  That’s not good for my mental health.  I gave my scale to my boyfriend last night and said I don’t want it back for 30 days.  I’m going to eat healthy and be good to me taking a bit of the “You have to lose weight” stress off my plate and see what happens.  Life’s short.  I’m not, nor are you guaranteed tomorrow and I’m tired of this being a issue for me.  I UNDERSTAND I have health issues going against me.  I also understand that I’m worthy of good toward myself and that I also am a lucky gal to have a boyfriend who supports me and who loves my body just as it is.  Flaws and all and he lets me know this often.  He never judges my body and I notice I judge my body MORE than anyone.

So let’s let the challenge begin.  This blog was to get me back and here’s another way I can be honest and work on things.  You never know, it could help someone later like my old blog on PCOS did.

Until next time….