365 of 42…Day 19

Before we get into the exciting and yet terrifying topic of today “Bonding with your boyfriends daughter” let’s just say the days seem to be going by so quickly and though I’m using this blog as a forum to feel comfortable with blogging again after all I went through, which ultimately, did lead to me deleting this blog I’m trying to also be more present for my kids. SO there may be gaps in when I blog but the ultimate goal….365 of growth, realizations and happy times in my beautiful life. I mean I’m so grateful and lucky to be alive.

Onto day 19 and bonding. I was asked by my boyfriends daughter to get my nails done with her. After some research (a text to her mom) we arrived at the nail salon and luckily even though they usually only take appointments they took us both! Score 1 for luck. They remembered his daughter from her last visit with her mom this past week.

Let me just say….how incredibly uncomfortable I feel and I know over time this will change. So many thoughts going through my head because I don’t want her mom to ever think I’m trying to replace her BUT I do want to bond with their daughter. It’s obvious her father and I care for each other and I want to be a part of their kids life too so they know as well I’m not trying to take time away from their dad. Just like her father has spent time with my children and I see how my ex feels about our son really warming up to my boyfriend. I so understand that one day when my ex meets someone I’ll have feelings of insecurity too. I believe this is normal.

I feel so lucky as well that my children and my boyfriend’s children both have parents that love their kids very much. I’ve seen other divorced couples and it’s sad when a parent just cuts out. Our kids will never have to worry about this.

Back to today. As I sit here typing this while she finishes her manicure and pedicure I’ve heard her discuss a fake fashion show she’ll be in today, how’s she is left handed, and when complimented on her singing it’s nice to hear her own that. I’m grateful she’s warmed up to me and wanted me to join her. My hope is one day I won’t have this fear that I’ll do something wrong or say something wrong. I hope one day my young friend and I can have some girly fun with no cares at all.

Our feet look great!!

I opted out of a manicure but these nails look nice.

Until tomorrow?….

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365 of 42…Day 16

It’s 11pm and I’m getting my me time. Sometimes having kids means less time for me as a single mom. It means my personal life falls to the wayside when I’m making sure in my week with them that they have a lot of quality time with me. It means sometimes falling asleep at 8:30 pm holding my seven year old until he falls asleep and then waking at 10:30 wide awake when I need to get up at 5:30 the next morning.

I wouldn’t trade my life however. I’m grateful to be mom to these two kids. I’m grateful that they love me so much. I’m grateful that I survived my heart attack to watch them grow up.

It means that the week they’re with their dad I miss them so much.

So today I reflect on single mom quality problems and really they’re not.

Until tomorrow.

365 of 42…Day 6

New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…