It is no secret I have fought hard not to let PCOS define me. It is no secret I suffered a SCAD heart attack while thin, causing me to be sent home during a said heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack.”
Fast forward to today. I get the gift of COVID while attending an outdoor music festival. This festival celebrated that I survived 17 units of college while working and being a mom to two kids, well, three by the end of the semester. I attended the festival to start my week off before summer school, and then a facial would end my week. No, instead, I’m writing this post and changing things.
I have done pretty well with my friend COVID. I have not had a fever since Friday am, and other than being tired, I was good. I received the call yesterday that my doctors want me on a prescription called Paxlovid. They said I am considered high risk. I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia and have a dissection in my neck right now. I figure, though, they assume I’m an untreated diabetic because I take metformin and Victoza. So this little visit from COVID now woke my body dysmorphia.
I wish I had the calm in me like those who accept their bodies for how they are. It would be awesome to feel good about my body like Lizzo. I am not anywhere near feeling good about my body. The previous judgment for either being thin or obese has shown me the judgment one can receive based on their body size or physicians not reading an individual’s medical history.
I write this because I don’t want to go to a dark place. I write this because I know I am not the only one who has felt judged by the medical field. I write this because I do not like my body today. I write this because these feelings are not facts. I will keep writing on my journey: the good and the bad. My hope is one day, I can be happy in my skin and not worry about judgment. It looks like it took a COVID medication to get me writing. So be it.
I began a different blog in 2007. The year I had gastric-bypass to help with the weight gain from PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). The surgery worked! I lost all the weight and then some and I got regular cycles and even conceived my second child without any issues but that didn’t mean the PCOS was gone.
In 2016 I suffered a SCAD Heart Attack after a very rough part of my life. The darkest part of my life for that matter. Though my heart attack had nothing to do with a typical heart attack and I was sent home at the beginning of my heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone having a heart attack” being thin and in pretty good health and it took me going back for them to take me seriously I was still put on medications for high blood pressure since I was then diagnosed with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and Micro Cardiovascular Disease. Both affect the arteries and cause me to be at high risk for another heart attack or stroke.
From the use of these medications, I gained 60 pounds. As someone with body dysmorphia from the rapid weight gain and loss, this is hard on me. Why? People are cruel to overweight people and ASSUME that they overeat and don’t exercise and don’t care for themselves. This is 100% not always true. There are many health conditions that cause weight gain. PCOS being one of them and my PCOS is also in full swing again and I am also not absorbing nutrients. From all of this, I’ve tried to exercise and do things correctly based on my medical history but have not been able to since my body is out of whack.
I finally gave up doing this all alone and met with my primary care physician who then had me getting iron infusions, meeting with my cardiologist, and meeting with my new neurologist. Between all of my doctors, I am on new medications and a ton of supplements (photo and daily schedule below) that will help me feel human again and help my body to lose weight. My primary also let me know my body has gone into shock and when it does this a body will hold onto weight. I am willing to do as instructed so that I can get back a part of me I lost with my heart attack. I was active and felt good. Right now I don’t feel so good. My hope is that by doing as instructed by my medical team that over time my body will get back to a good place.
I want to be an example, as I was before that we can recover. It is not always easy, the path to healing but I know, as I have done it before, it can be done. To keep me accountable I will be utilizing the blog that I pay for and ignore. When I blogged my journey before I wrote on the struggles and the triumphs. I posted gluten and dairy-free recipes. I was living life and my blog turned into something different than it started as. My hope, as I continue to heal and really take care of my medical needs that I can get my blog there. I hope that seeing my journey can help others with PCOS or SCAD Survivors see it can get better. It isn’t a quick process and I need to remember that too. I am ready to see where this journey takes me and I’m grateful to have you along.
I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?