365 of 42…Day 22

Ok so I’m not so good at doing this daily and honestly I’m not too concerned. Since my heart attack I’ve been so much less the old Kat when it comes to trying to squeeze everything into a day when there’s always more time to get things done. So basically this challenge, my blog is important but I don’t want to be up at 11 doing it.

I’m working on balance. I’m working on doing one task at a time and finishing it. I really don’t see how in my previous life I worked, took care of two kids, my ex husbands practice, and volunteered while starting up a meet up and keeping up with my girlfriends. No wonder my body shut down. It’s too much for two people. It’s exhausting.

The good news is I’m embracing my flaws and doing what I can, slowly to change them. I’m keeping in contact with my support group so I have a sounding board when I feel I’m maybe doing too much. I’m walking through this new normal with as much grace as I can.

So a little self care check in:

1. Enjoying baths and not rushing out of them. Trying to unwind in them.

2. Doing a exercise class a week that is fun. No need to run if I can do aerial classes, stretching classes or ballet.

3. Not eating gluten and sticking to it. Since my heart attack also having PCOS I’ve gained 20 lbs and slowly I’ll lose the last 18 by making good food choices like I used to do.

4. Having alone time. I’m allowed to have some me time.

Really, if I look at my small behavioral changes I’m being good to myself. I spent 40 years being everything to everyone that I lost me and I’m so grateful life threw me curve ball and I’m learning to be there for me.

Until next time….

Advertisements

365 of 42…Day 3

Friendship…to say I’ve been through it the past couple of years is an understatement. Between medical emergencies, including a heart attack, a divorce, losing a job of about 18 years off and on it’s been a lot.

However; there’s been a lot of good too. I survived said heart attack, I found another job, I met a good man, and number one priority those two who call me mom have loved me through all of it and I’ve been the best mom I can be to them.

I’m still growing, evolving but one thing keeps going through my mind. My support system. The women who let me cry, vent, talk about my fears and who I laughed with. The women who loved me no matter what.

I’m so grateful for these women. For Alanon and for a sponsor who valued my life more than I did at times. Times I wanted to give up. Times I knew it would never get better. They were right…life did get better.

I’m nowhere close to feeling 100% confident in my life. I’m still walking through change, growth and my new normal as a ex Type A but the adventure is so worth it.

These are just some of the women who mean so much to me. The women I owe so much to. My tribe. I’m hoping over this year of 42 to continue to grow and evolve. I hope to continue to blog my truths. The good, the bad…all of it.

Once Upon A Time….She Was Type A….

Once upon a time there was me and I was a Type A.

It was quite normal for me to work, take care of my ex-husbands practice, volunteer (over volunteer), plan in detail for too many things, make time to see friends, etc. and look like I was doing it all with ease.

Flash forward to today….since my heart attack I feel so disorganized.  Beyond even.  I don’t feel like the Kat I was.  I’m told to learn to accept my new “NORMAL”.  No, honestly I don’t want to accept this new normal.  I’m not thrilled that I have such low beats per minute at times that I am so tired, I hate that I forget to take care of things, I’m over not having patience like I used to, I resent that this happened to me.

However; it’s not always this way and I truly do try and stay in acceptance for my new normal.  I try hard daily to accept that I can’t remember things the way I used to, that one day I will find a new normal and lets be real…..My old normal wasn’t normal.  I over did it.  I took care of everyone BUT me.  My new normal will need to have balance and self care.  I had this A-Ha moment tonight that what I lacked during my old normal was self care.  I saw tonight that what I went through in my marriage and life in general it was a lot to handle without support.  I never asked for help.  I lacked self care.

So the thing that keeps coming up for this post is change.  Change is hard.  Change takes us to the other side.  Changing my beliefs of who I need to be to feel like I matter or that I’m a good person was so skewed that I lost me, snapped and became someone I wasn’t, started to find me and in the end trying to hold onto a relationship that wasn’t meant to be caused me to have a heart attack.  Stress, type a woman and I could have died.  I’ve learned new things about me through this change and I’ve learned and continued to learn that I’m good no matter what job I have, how much I volunteer, or what I do for others.  I’m learning outside of my kids and even before them I need to matter.  I need self care and need to let go of the type a person I used to be.

Until next time…