For my 44th year I’m giving to me a ton of inside work. I’m no longer on any heart meds and my heart healed itself. My arteries well, my heart is a start. I’m seeing a doctor today to better me physically. I’m working on my PCOS because I refuse to let it take me over. I’m working on my self worth and will lose my heart attack weight gain. With PCOS this is hard for me.
I realized I’ve worked hard or overdid things in the past because I thought if I did I would be worthy of love or friendship but that’s not true. I’m worthy no matter what and I need to believe that.
The photo below of those amazing women was taken at my 40th birthday party and right before the darkest time of my life. Those women are still in my life and helped me through that dark time and we give to each other when we need someone and I love them and the many other women in my life.
Here is to 44 and the many adventures and growth and love and happiness and sadness and hope that it will bring.
Fact. It won’t always feel bad like it did yesterday. It’s no secret I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve tried, over the past couple of years to be more comfortable in the skin I’m in. Some days it’s much harder than others. Add in PCOS which is like a gift that keeps giving but you wish it would just stop and some days can make me feel pretty bad about my body.
Yesterday my schedule was off. For Christmas week I went to my client’s office at 6 am and that meant I skipped my normal early morning workout. I also then didn’t start the day drinking as much water as I have been. My client took me to lunch yesterday and I ate little treats during the day. I ended up eating dinner after 7 pm which I feel all food should be consumed before 7 pm. So, the day wasn’t set up for me to succeed. It could have been.
I could have planned more for the day knowing that I wasn’t going to have my normal schedule. I did succeed at some things yesterday though:
I still worked out, I did it at 8 pm but I did it. In the past, I would have skipped the workout and taken a “day off”.
I still held myself accountable with my workout and support group/challenge group.
I didn’t take the “gentle” laxatives I wanted to.
This is where my post today was heading towards. I used to use laxatives to make up for a bad day of eating and if you looked at what I ate you’d think “this could be a day that’s OK with me” and for me, I think “This is going to make me gain weight, the PCOS is going to take the gluten and have my body hold onto it, I’m going to gain at least 4 lbs. or more from today, I’m never going to lose this heart attack weight.” The cycle of putting me down begins.
I found these in a drawer by chance yesterday. My first instinct was to take the 3 or 4 pills I normally would take but the GROWTH was that I threw them away.
I thought a couple of things that helped me walk through old behavior. Behavior I’m not proud of but behaviors that made sense to me for some time. I thought:
I’m seeing a new doctor Friday, my PCOS is in full swing and I need to get focused again, really focused.
Having to eat Gluten & Dairy-free isn’t a punishment. It’s a part of my life. Like a diabetic and watching their sugar or a person with peanut allergies. These people aren’t being punished and they’ve learned to live life not having certain items in it.
What would Tantris say? (wise woman I look to for guidance)
Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m not giving up.
I have gone through this PCOS journey before, I succeeded. I need to remember I can do this, I did this. I need to remember my levels could be off and right now my ferritin is low as well. I’m not failing, I’m struggling and it won’t always be this way. I will have many successes and I need to remember my journey can help others with theirs like other’s journeys have helped mine and continue to do so. I follow so many women with PCOS and watch their adventure and it’s not always good. It’s not always bad either. It’s life and I continue to plan on walking through it with grace and practicing more and more that self-care I need.
I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?