Tag: body dysmorphia

Day 19/20 – Affirmations

Published on by KatLeave a comment

I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?

Hello Body Dysmorphia..You suck Mr. Kaiser Physician & Being my own advocate, always!

Published on by KatLeave a comment

I recently changed healthcare insurance. Through work I now have Kaiser. My first experience with Kaiser was not good. I’ve gone through a lot since 2016. Before that my PCOS was under control and I was a happy size 6/8 from 2007 to 2017. Fast forward to now and I recently stopped heart medications that caused rapid weight gain. I’ve lost six pounds since then. It’s a much slower process when I can’t work out the way I want with Fibromuscular Dysplasia and having PCOS. However, I am doing it. I will get back down to my pre-SCAD (Sudden Coronary Artery Dissection) Heart Attack weight. Back to the physician…

This physician informed me that he’s known 10 people who’ve had gastric bypass and all 10 gained their weight back. He let me know medication and PCOS aren’t valid reasons for weight gain and he enrolled me in Weight Management classes. Did I mention I declined those classes?

I did have a good second experience with Kaiser and the OBGYN assigned to me is going to help me find a PCP who understands my conditions and doesn’t loop everyone who may need to lose weight into one bucket.

Do these physicians not understand that people aren’t all the same? Do they not know that someone like myself can walk into their office and leave with their body dysmorphia heightened because of the way they speak to a patient they’ve only met once? This brought me right back to being sent home in the middle of my heart attack because “I didn’t look like someone who would have a heart attack”. If I went into today would they have taken me seriously? I just don’t understand.

My blog will be more about PCOS again. I can’t be the only one who gets this kind of treatment from physicians, I can’t be the first one who works so hard to be told insensitive things. It makes me so angry and sad how I and so many are judged. I don’t have to defend myself and my eating habits and I don’t need to be judged without truly knowing my medical history. I need support from my physician and unfortunately, my first experience with Kaiser wasn’t that.

Here’s to being my own advocate and continuing to fight for me and my health.

Limbo…

Published on by KatLeave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve updated but it’s because I’m in limbo.  I was doing so well, I thought and eating right (still am) but I’m not losing weight.  Could be PCOS, could be I’m over 40, could be that I’m so out of shape.  It could be a lot of things but it makes for me to feel so discouraged.  So, I’m upping my out of shape game and going to focus on adding in exercise more.  Previously, I didn’t need to do this.  I ran, sure but I was able to just eat right and keep the weight off.  I’m 43 now so maybe my bodies changed and possibly the medications I’m on for my artery conditions are playing a part.  My sugars keeping going low as well, even after I eat.

My silver lining is that I’ve seen my doctor, brought him a list of questions and he told me he was sorry I wasn’t losing weight.  I know the logical things that can be happening but having PCOS and two rare artery conditions it’s nice to sometimes hear “I’m sorry”.

He’s running a bunch of tests.  My body dysmorphia is making it really hard for me to feel like I’m never going to get back down to my pre-heart attack weight.  I can’t and won’t be overweight like I was in the early years of PCOS.  Unless you’ve been through what I have you wouldn’t understand.  I’ve learned as well maybe certain people are the only ones to discuss these things with.  Even people, friends and family who care about you may not understand and it makes it hard.

I’ve found too that when I feel this way I want to eat bad.  For me eating bad is eating gluten or dairy.  I don’t overeat and people notice that but I feel eating the way I’ve been told not to is eating bad.

So my update is I’m a mess, I’m in limbo.  I won’t always be.  I will grow and I will update this blog more.  You never know, one of you may be feeling as I do and seeing me not give up could help.