Tag: body dysmorphia

Kats Living Adventure…Indeed

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Where do I begin? Let’s start with yesterday I made it to 21 years sober. That’s literally half my life. Through my sobriety I’ve been through a ton of good and a ton of bad and right now life is in session.

I’ve so not been good with keeping up with my blog and you know I’m not beating myself up. I have found what I’ll be using my blog for. My blog that used to be filled with PCOS info, gluten and dairy free yummy goodness and life as I knew it will now be a whirlwind of….

  • Living with PCOS
  • Living with heart disease
  • Struggling as a single mom in school full time so I can better myself and show my kids you can start over.
  • Co-Parenting
  • New relationship adventures
  • Life as I know it with some fun and growing pains

Right now I’m so struggling. Half the time I want to give up. I get sad that I lost me and that my kids have so much with my ex and he’s a good dad to them but I feel cheated.

My weight is a HUGE issue for me right now as well. Living barely week to week I can’t afford the way I need to eat and it’s hard because with PCOS I’m supposed to eat gluten and dairy free and when my kids are with me I need to cook for them. I never want to be fat again. I would rather die. Sad fact but true. I remember how I was treated and looked down upon and I won’t go back to living like that. Tonight I bought myself healthy food and though it will cost more I have to eat right for my health and especially since my soon to be 18 year old was also diagnosed with PCOS.

Good news is I’m in school. It’s so different not attending in over 20 years but it makes me feel good about me and this fall I’ll be taking ballet again. Silver lining for when I feel low about myself.

The man I met, it’s been almost two years of us being together. He’s good to me but I worry I’m not good enough. I felt that way in my last relationship as well. This may just be a me, self esteem issue. Alanon is my friend still.

This was a mess of a post but it’s a start.

Daily or often I want to chronicle what it’s really like starting over. The good and bad of it all. One moment and sometimes one heart beat at a time.

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365 of 42…Day 6

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New Years Eve….

With midnight and 2018 not too far off I look back on what I could change in 2018, what I conquered in 2017 and all in between. In no particular order.

I learned I’m still way too critical of myself. I can beat me up so much better than you can. My mind at times can be a battle zone and I however feel I did better with this as I had some huge life changes and getting back into the rhythm of life could take time.

I learned I usually work for jerks who know they can be mean to me because as a single mom I need my job. I also learned the value of benefits and full time work so I do believe 2018 will be bringing some changes. I’m happy at my job but need more hours and benefits.

I don’t take nitroglycerin daily. Sometimes now only once a week. Still at least once a week but YES it’s becoming less. This is awesome!! My hearts healing. I am starting to jog again so we will see.

My kids are a senior in high school and in 2nd grade. They are my biggest loves. To the moon and back and deeper than any ocean and I’ve finally moved them somewhere we can call home, Yes we have landed!

The ex-husband and I get along 99% of the time. I sometimes think about what if things were like they are now would we be a family? No, I have to remember they weren’t this way, what I went through in 2016 and that I’m just grateful for now. All we have is now. I think I just wonder why he couldn’t be like this before. He even checks in on my health stuff. I also think, maybe we were just meant to be friends and the two kids we have together is a bonus. 2017 was definitely a better year.

I took an aerial class again and I’m going to keep going back. I want to dance again too and run. 2018 will be my year. Yeah me!

I was scared to blog again but now I am, ok the past 6 days but if I keep going maybe I’ll be confident in my writing and write like I did before I had to delete my blog.

I’m still with the man I met in August last year. He’s still good to me and I’m grateful for him. He like I see so much more in the other person. He’s also big on letting me know things aren’t always my fault. That may be a problem I have. We also communicate, talk things out. So uncomfortable at times but needed.

I’ve struggled with food and at this point I hate my body. I hate PCOS and sometimes I get mad over my heart attack for the weight I’ve gained since having it BUT 2018 I plan to get off my pity pot and change that.

I have a beautiful support system. Fact. Between Alanon, AA and friends I’m so blessed and 2018 is about giving back.

I went to Disneyland 3 Times. Still not a pass holder again but this past year I completed my bankruptcy and got a different car. My priorities need to be staying on the right path and not having a Disney pass is a quality problem. My point of this entry is I need to remember I have a lot of quality problems. So life’s pretty awesome.

This upcoming year I need to work on:

  • My worth
  • Fears
  • Financial Security
  • Laughing more
  • My weight
  • Belly laughs weekly with my kids
  • Forgiveness
  • Staying in gratitude

Until next year…

The Bathing Suit Won

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Yesterday I wore a bathing suit. I know not a big deal but it is. It is for me. I gained 100 lbs from PCOS. I tried all ways to lose the weight and was even a test subject at Cedars Sinai. I was so grateful to be a test subject. 

I ended up having Gastric Bypass in 2007. Since then I’ve lost the 100 lbs and kept it off. 

The downside is I see my body the way it was when I look in the mirror and and I’ve acquired extra skin. I don’t have the money to have it removed and I’ve started trying to accept my body for how it is. I’ve had two kids and Weightloss surgery and I’m not 16 years old. 

I’ve seen other women who I think have great bodies with their flaws and it does help me. They find themselves beautiful and really, I am too. 

So yesterday I wore this. I actually like how this photo came out as well. It’s about progress and each day I’m loving my body more and more.