She was smart, she was a CPA, she had beautiful eyes, she was a dog mother, people trusted her advice for their finances, she baked, she created food dishes, she was a sister, a friend, a wife, a step mother, a client. She used to be a runner, like marathon type. She played the piano since age three and had a beautiful singing voice, I’m told. She was a mentor, she ran a business for more than 20 years and to her dying day would receive referrals. She was a good person who deserved so much good.
She couldn’t stop drinking. She thought she could beat alcoholism. They told her she would die if she drank again. Her liver was compromised. She switched the type of alcohol she drank. She lied. She said she was sober when she wasn’t. She swore she wouldn’t drink again. False chips and never made it to a year. Received a real 30 day chip. She was drunk on my birthday.
She died. Alcohol didn’t care how much she meant to people. Alcohol didn’t care how smart she was or talented. Alcohol wanted her dead and alcohol won.
I will miss her.
I’m trying affirmations to myself all throughout the day. Like when I’m walking from one place to another, when I’m standing in line, on hold equals saying something good about me. I also am trying to visualize what I want weight wise. A friend told me holding onto weight is protection and I know I’m protecting myself from the pain I felt before and so I need to really let myself feel. I need to not hide and I hope these affirmations help me on my journey. I’m such a work in progress. What are little things you do daily for your self care?
I’ve found if I stray from my normal day to day that I may miss out on doing the things that fill me up. As little as it may be to some, blogging for me feels like home. When I blog I hope to help others with PCOS or others who may have gone through SCAD. I miss my old blog. I miss what it was and how safe I felt with it.
That’s the thing. Blogging and other forms of social media should feel safe for everyone who uses them. No one should feel that they are censored to speak about what they want to. No one should feel that they may offend anyone or be yelled at or threatened for blogging or using social media.
I still live in fear that someone, a certain someone will read my blog and accuse me of using it to belittle them when it’s not true. First off if my blog offends you don’t read it. If you don’t like what I do on social media, again don’t interact with me. This is my place and I’m feeling more empowered to do this. I’m not going to stop. Tomorrow will be day 14 of 366 days of blogging down. Yes, 366 days because it’s a leap year in 2020. I’m going to finish this challenge and by the end I hope I find my security within my blog and really know it’s OK to do and to be me.