I worked hard to start anew. Sometimes I feel I’m working too hard for the things I worked for before and before it took me to finally having a heart attack.
The good news is I know I’m worthy of good now. I know I deserve good and I’m doing the little things to get me to where I’m independent and feeling strong like before.
I’ve learned I want honesty, no secrets. I won’t accept having things hidden from me. I lived that and can’t again.
I feel free knowing this and knowing my worth though it can bring sadness when I see the good in others. I just can’t repeat losing me again for someone’s acceptance of me. For someone to want me.
That’s not repeating the past. Daily I feel a little stronger. Daily I see that even if I end up alone that I will be okay. That I’m doing the best I can.
I’ve not been good about keeping up with my blog. I felt trauma over my blog. Afraid to write how I felt and I used to have this amazing blog but now I struggle. After feeling forced to delete it I lost so much. Maybe this blog post will show someone it gets better. It may not feel good at times but there’s growth.
That’s the thing about healing. It doesn’t always feel good but each day gets a little better.
Until next time…
It’s been known I’m a perfectionist. I’ve gone from a position in the work world of management to just an employee. For my health reasons this is great but I’m learning a whole new way to do things and that brings some humility.
Yesterday I sent a text to my boss (yes have a work phone) and in response to hers and I owned I’m not perfect. It felt so odd to just be happy and not right. Sometimes battles are not worth fighting. Sometimes we just need to say OK.
This isn’t just about work. It’s about life. How often I don’t want to look like I’ve done something wrong. It’s exhausting.
It felt good to be in that place. It was a bit liberating to not have to be right. Opening myself to change isn’t always easy but it’s good.
First I’m under no illusion I’ll miss some days. Life is in session. That being said I see that at times I still feel so damaged. When you feel like you do a lot wrong it’s hard to break that cycle when in reality you weren’t wrong. This isn’t a post to say or put blame on anyone. I’ve learned through this all that I made choices to allow my life to be a certain way but that doesn’t mean I deserved what I went through.
Flash forward to now. I’ve been so much better in so many ways but I know now there’s so much more work to do because I go back into feeling like I’m wrong and that I make things worse in my life which actually isn’t true. I’ve learned feelings aren’t facts and that I need to believe I’m a good person and not bad.
So today isn’t a feel good day but I know I can start my day over for the good. I didn’t use to feel that way and I’m glad that I have the choice to keep quiet and start my day again.
Until tomorrow or another day soon. My goal is to complete this 365 challenge and my hope is to do this daily but I know this won’t always happen and it’s okay because I’ve also learned life happens and I can’t always blog and that’s okay.