Author: Kat

Beautiful Mess, reinventing myself. It happens.

She Completed What?

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Year One of college is in the books. Okay, not until Monday when I take my final quiz for the Political Science class I can’t wait to put behind me. Still, I’ve received all A’s and B’s this past year and accomplished more than I thought I could.

I’m so grateful, so grateful that I’m doing this for me. In my past life I did for everyone BUT me. I put my ex through school because if he completed school we’d be okay, I over volunteered because if I wasn’t busy I wasn’t accomplishing anything, and I overworked because I felt if I looked successful I would be accepted more by my father and that I then would have escaped my lower middle class upbringing. So as you can see in my past life I was doing for everyone BUT me and now I’m doing this all for ME.

I’m doing this for myself and for my children. I want my two kids to know that you can start over at any time and that it’s OK to not be OK sometimes. It’s okay to grow gracefully and sometimes not so gracefully but in the end you are bettering yourself.

This past year financially has been very hard, I won’t lie but I know the payoff, when I’m done with school I will be financially secure again. I was at one point financially secure but I was working a job I felt I couldn’t leave and I was not in a happy marriage. Now I’m bettering me and it’s hard sometimes. It’s hard wondering if I’ll have all my bills paid, it’s hard to say no to my son when he wants new toys or wants to see a movie but I’ve also found that my children know I’m working hard for them. I’m a good mother, I really believe this.

So, today, this post isn’t about weight but it’s about the good. The good that comes from taking care of myself and I’m enjoying the process.

Until next time…be good to you.

Moving Forward…

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So, in my quest to living life I stopped my heart medications.  Yes, I sure did.  I was only on these certain medications to replace the nitroglycerin I was taking that was giving me migraines.  Did I mention that since my heart attack I’m not allowed to take my good ole’ migraine medications so it was migraines or medications.  For a bit I did go with the medications until I realized it was both meds that caused my rapid weight gain.  You see I had this issue before with Provera for my PCOS.  So long story short I’m back on the nitroglycerin and living with the migraines.

Which brings me to I’ve now lost 8 lbs and have kept it off so far.  I’m back at the gym and I owe my gym success to Game of Thrones and that I’d have never watched before.  You see it helps to pass the time on the treadmill. I kid but it really does help as at time waster while working out.

The real test if I can continue this work out regime is the pass I was gifted for two weeks ends in a couple of days so I will have to do outside workouts and you know, I may enjoy it more.  We shall see.

I’m going to the gym today.  My head keeps trying to get me to back out but after I’ve gone for the 30-40 minutes I feel good when I leave.  I feel like I look super fat when I’m at the gym and that I’m the only one there who looks this way.  I want to get to a point where I don’t feel this way.  It’s hard work this self care game.

So to end this update and I hope to dig deeper into blogging again is this is where I’m at:

Still in school full time, still working some place that doesn’t make me happy but I know isn’t permanent, eating mini meals and gluten free, not beating me up if I fail on a meal because really, it’s not worth it, trying daily to do at least one thing kind for me including some form of exercise, being a great mother, partner, and friend, AND knowing that my past doesn’t define me.  What I do today defines me.  Today, I’m working on a better me even on the days it doesn’t feel good.

Limbo…

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It’s been a while since I’ve updated but it’s because I’m in limbo.  I was doing so well, I thought and eating right (still am) but I’m not losing weight.  Could be PCOS, could be I’m over 40, could be that I’m so out of shape.  It could be a lot of things but it makes for me to feel so discouraged.  So, I’m upping my out of shape game and going to focus on adding in exercise more.  Previously, I didn’t need to do this.  I ran, sure but I was able to just eat right and keep the weight off.  I’m 43 now so maybe my bodies changed and possibly the medications I’m on for my artery conditions are playing a part.  My sugars keeping going low as well, even after I eat.

My silver lining is that I’ve seen my doctor, brought him a list of questions and he told me he was sorry I wasn’t losing weight.  I know the logical things that can be happening but having PCOS and two rare artery conditions it’s nice to sometimes hear “I’m sorry”.

He’s running a bunch of tests.  My body dysmorphia is making it really hard for me to feel like I’m never going to get back down to my pre-heart attack weight.  I can’t and won’t be overweight like I was in the early years of PCOS.  Unless you’ve been through what I have you wouldn’t understand.  I’ve learned as well maybe certain people are the only ones to discuss these things with.  Even people, friends and family who care about you may not understand and it makes it hard.

I’ve found too that when I feel this way I want to eat bad.  For me eating bad is eating gluten or dairy.  I don’t overeat and people notice that but I feel eating the way I’ve been told not to is eating bad.

So my update is I’m a mess, I’m in limbo.  I won’t always be.  I will grow and I will update this blog more.  You never know, one of you may be feeling as I do and seeing me not give up could help.