365 of 42…Day 44

So day 44 and I’m not in the best of spaces. Not because life sucks, nope life’s for the most part good BUT my relationship with micro cardiovascular disease gets the finger. Dealing with my FMD and being a woman gets the finger. Not feeling like I can see doctors without stressing about work gets the finger.

So yesterday my period started and guess what? Waking yesterday without any prior pms symptoms I knew I was getting my period yesterday. I knew from the tightness in my neck, the ringing in my ears, my lack of concentration, the lightheaded feeling and my new heightened sense of emotion. All of this I didn’t go to bed with and all of this I woke with and I knew 100% my period would arrive yesterday and it did.

For someone who isn’t supposed to stress because it can cause another heart attack I seem to stress a lot.

The kicker is until Friday I don’t have healthcare because I can’t afford it. Next month I’ll be on track but single mom with unexpected expenses equals healthcare a few days late. So I keep doing all I can to remain calm. Not like I can take time off I feel but I have no sick pay. Good times.

This is reality sometimes. These are times I feel so alone. Today I really felt it and these are times that I see a lot of the pain or disappointment I feel is my own making. Heck why’d I have a heart attack? (Ok rare disease plus stress caused it) so really not all my doing.

At this moment I don’t feel together. I feel punished. I feel like I’ll always be alone and I have two kids who need me to be my best and sometimes I just want to be taken care of. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about healthcare or bills or that I’m doing good by my kids. This too shall pass.

In the big scheme I’ve not blogged for almost two weeks because life was in session and mostly good but mostly busy and I’m really working on taking care of me and right now this is the ugly side of having two rare artery conditions and I know in a couple of days these feelings will pass but today this journey is hard.


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