I’ve learned since April more and more to take care of me. This includes stand up for what I deserve. To ask for what I want. There’s a lot of pain that goes along with a failed marriage and especially during the holidays as the first one after the divorce has been filed.
I took some much needed time to spend a lot with my kids. This year I wasn’t able to do for them like I used to. Luckily they have two parents who love them and who celebrate different holidays so they did a ok. I also saw they didn’t care about the presents, they cared about the attention they got.
I missed out on a lot of attention and was the sole support for everyone in my household. I’ve learned that no one can truly make me happy that I need to make me happy. This year will be my year no matter what. I’ve even started a self care check list that I do daily. It’s helped. I have to remember to do the things that make me feel good about me. Whether it’s reading or ballet or a hike it’s something daily that makes me feel good. This also includes working my Alanon program because I so easily want to fix and control things and I see where that’s never done me any good.
I took some time off from my blog to really get in touch with me. So I’m back and continuing this project of a year of being good to me. No matter what I need to be good to me. I’m no good to anyone if I don’t.
This year Christmas is much different. We have a tiny fake tree and I couldn’t do much for the kids BUT we’ve been having a lot of fun this holiday season anyhow.
I grew up not having much and when I was first married I was putting my ex through school so money was tight but the last couple of years I’ve been able to not worry about finances at all.
This year it broke me. It’s OK because I know the kids will be happy and really it’s about them. Their smiles make me smile and they love me no matter what.
The 24th we are decorating cookies with one of my best friends, Christmas I have family coming over, and my birthday we will figure out something fun to do. I’m looking forward to lots of quality time with them this week. That’s really what Christmas should be about. Family.
Tonight as I pulled up to my home I saw this view from the picture below. A Ferris wheel. A simple carnival ride. One I’m deathly afraid of. So it hit me I have a ton of fears and there’s one that I’m afraid of and start to walk through and falter on walking through it but I’m trying again tomorrow just like this weekend I will ride this Ferris wheel and walk through that fear too. I may end this week a bit stronger. It’s fears that stop us from living and I’m tired of fear.
So I thought I was free of the rude comments. I was wrong. When my blog was thrown in my face yesterday I decided to be rid of my Facebook page for my blog. Looks like I’ll be losing some followers BUT I will have the freedom to blog about whatever I want.
My privacy was invaded for years. I couldn’t journal or write about my real feelings in the fear they’d be read and be misinterpreted.
I wasn’t perfect before I moved out. Someone from my past came into my life again and told me they cared and loved me and I went to where I felt this love for someone again and in reality I have and probably will always have feelings for that person BUT I was really mean to him because of my own fears and now he’s not talking to me. My fault yes. I will always regret being so mean to him because he’s been in my life for 20 plus years BUT I’m not perfect and I’ve said sorry. All I can do is wait. He said we always find each other. I have to believe if we are meant to be in each other’s lives we will be.
I’d love to apologize to my ex but he’s always pulling some sort of mean act toward me. Like flipping me off as he dropped off the kids yesterday. I liked the disconnected and unemotional him much more.
I don’t write this to be judged for falling in love with someone else after my feelings for my soon to be ex ended or I’m not looking for your sympathy for being ignored and having my privacy violated for years. That is just my story and I’m sure I’m not the only one with this story.
I write this because I used to blog about what really mattered to me. What I really cared about. I have been afraid to. My hope is that if you’re going through something similar you know you’re not alone and that it will get better.
There’s days I just want to cry and I shouldn’t be allowed to listed to Death Cab For Cutie, OMD, or Ingrid Michaelson but those aren’t every day. There are days I laugh and have fun. Today was one of those days for the most part.
It does get better.
In a effort to be kinder to me I’ve stayed off social media. That is except for my blog which goes to my Facebook page for my blog. I deleted all social media off my phone and games one week ago.
Yesterday I had to physically login to Twitter to delete my account. In the big scheme of things I was following about 200 people most who never posted and I had about 150 followers. I realized I didn’t really care to tweet. Especially this past week.
Being off social media has been really nice. I’ve done more that I love to do. Remember due to some life issues over the years I lost myself and I’m working to fully get me back.
I love ballet and reading and I’ve been able to do both. I’ve spent some real quality time with my kids this week. Today I’m posting so early because the kids and I have a Uber busy day of life planned.
I hope I stick to this social media disconnect because it really is freeing.
Usually my iPhone captures the moon as a speck of light in a photo. Never have I gotten it so bright and full! I love this photo because it also brings peace. It was the Pisces full moon last night. So much is possible during this time. You just have to be aware of changes all around you!
I have to remember how far I’ve come fighting PCOS. Each day I have to remember this disease only wants the worst for me. Each day I fight.
I’m by far not a skinny girl but I’m comfortable most days in my own skin. I wear a size 8 jeans, size 6 dress, I jog or hike, and love ballet. I eat gluten & dairy free and each day I own my disease.
Picture on the left was when I really started fighting PCOS and the one on the right from yesterday. In my face I really see a difference. I think it’s good to have before and after photos. Helps to keep things in perspective.