Tonight as I pulled up to my home I saw this view from the picture below. A Ferris wheel. A simple carnival ride. One I’m deathly afraid of. So it hit me I have a ton of fears and there’s one that I’m afraid of and start to walk through and falter on walking through it but I’m trying again tomorrow just like this weekend I will ride this Ferris wheel and walk through that fear too. I may end this week a bit stronger. It’s fears that stop us from living and I’m tired of fear.
So I thought I was free of the rude comments. I was wrong. When my blog was thrown in my face yesterday I decided to be rid of my Facebook page for my blog. Looks like I’ll be losing some followers BUT I will have the freedom to blog about whatever I want.
My privacy was invaded for years. I couldn’t journal or write about my real feelings in the fear they’d be read and be misinterpreted.
I wasn’t perfect before I moved out. Someone from my past came into my life again and told me they cared and loved me and I went to where I felt this love for someone again and in reality I have and probably will always have feelings for that person BUT I was really mean to him because of my own fears and now he’s not talking to me. My fault yes. I will always regret being so mean to him because he’s been in my life for 20 plus years BUT I’m not perfect and I’ve said sorry. All I can do is wait. He said we always find each other. I have to believe if we are meant to be in each other’s lives we will be.
I’d love to apologize to my ex but he’s always pulling some sort of mean act toward me. Like flipping me off as he dropped off the kids yesterday. I liked the disconnected and unemotional him much more.
I don’t write this to be judged for falling in love with someone else after my feelings for my soon to be ex ended or I’m not looking for your sympathy for being ignored and having my privacy violated for years. That is just my story and I’m sure I’m not the only one with this story.
I write this because I used to blog about what really mattered to me. What I really cared about. I have been afraid to. My hope is that if you’re going through something similar you know you’re not alone and that it will get better.
There’s days I just want to cry and I shouldn’t be allowed to listed to Death Cab For Cutie, OMD, or Ingrid Michaelson but those aren’t every day. There are days I laugh and have fun. Today was one of those days for the most part.
It does get better.
In a effort to be kinder to me I’ve stayed off social media. That is except for my blog which goes to my Facebook page for my blog. I deleted all social media off my phone and games one week ago.
Yesterday I had to physically login to Twitter to delete my account. In the big scheme of things I was following about 200 people most who never posted and I had about 150 followers. I realized I didn’t really care to tweet. Especially this past week.
Being off social media has been really nice. I’ve done more that I love to do. Remember due to some life issues over the years I lost myself and I’m working to fully get me back.
I love ballet and reading and I’ve been able to do both. I’ve spent some real quality time with my kids this week. Today I’m posting so early because the kids and I have a Uber busy day of life planned.
I hope I stick to this social media disconnect because it really is freeing.
I have to remember how far I’ve come fighting PCOS. Each day I have to remember this disease only wants the worst for me. Each day I fight.
I’m by far not a skinny girl but I’m comfortable most days in my own skin. I wear a size 8 jeans, size 6 dress, I jog or hike, and love ballet. I eat gluten & dairy free and each day I own my disease.
Picture on the left was when I really started fighting PCOS and the one on the right from yesterday. In my face I really see a difference. I think it’s good to have before and after photos. Helps to keep things in perspective.
It’s no secret I am my worst critic when it comes to my body image. I’ve had to work a lot of how I see myself since gaining and losing 100 lbs. in a year from PCOS. Due to the rapid weight loss I have extra skin. I hate my legs and I always have a hard time buying swimsuits because I feel a normal size suit won’t fit me or my legs won’t look right.
It’s also no secret that over the past year I’ve worked really hard on my body image and I will wear tank tops with no sweaters and spaghetti strap dresses. This has been very hard for me but I want to be an example to others who’ve gone through rapid weight gain and loss that you can feel good about yourself.
Yesterday we went to get my husband compression shorts for running. There was a 50% sale on swimsuits. I decided to find one that wasn’t too big on me that I could wear while we are away with our kids in the mountains. I found only one that I thought could work. It was a size 10 and I was worried it wouldn’t fit. Now I wear a size 6/8 dress but swimsuits are always oddly sized I’ve found. I was so worried that the 10 wouldn’t fit BUT it did. .I even took this picture below of me wearing it. This is very hard for me to do but my size doesn’t define me. Neither does the way I feel my legs look.
I’ve found that I’m a good person. I’m a honest person. I’m a good mother, wife, and friend. I’m a excellent employee. I’m a giving person. I’m known to be funny. I’m a talker. I’m a so so dancer but I love to dance. I’m a person who loves life. These are the things that define me. The more I remember that the easier living in my skin is.
I’d like to say that I took a great photo of myself wearing my blue sleeveless dress today but that’s not the case. I can say I wore the dress without a sweater and that’s progress. I can say this photo of me taking a work break pool side of my legs would not have happened in the not so distant past and that would be very true. Again, progress. I can also say I like this photo of my legs.
It’s taken time for me to be comfortable in my own skin and I’m not fully there yet. I have my own story. I have the shame behind gaining 100 lbs. in one year and people can’t believe I was ever that overweight but today I share a image of me from then with two of my friends…
The me of then causes Body Dysmorphia issues for the me of now and I’m glad to say that lately I’ve realized most people will find flaws in their bodies. Yes, PCOS has made my body issues a wild adventure but I know many people have their own issues and demons they battle. I don’t want to let my insecurities keep me bundled up in the summer. I also know that 90% of the time what my arms look like really don’t mean anything to you. I’m my biggest judge. My goal is to continue not to care. My goal is to continue to enjoy girly clothes and enjoy the summer months like I should. It’s progress and I’m a beautiful work in progress.