Before & After

I have to remember how far I’ve come fighting PCOS. Each day I have to remember this disease only wants the worst for me. Each day I fight.

I’m by far not a skinny girl but I’m comfortable most days in my own skin. I wear a size 8 jeans, size 6 dress, I jog or hike, and love ballet. I eat gluten & dairy free and each day I own my disease.

Picture on the left was when I really started fighting PCOS and the one on the right from yesterday. In my face I really see a difference. I think it’s good to have before and after photos. Helps to keep things in perspective.

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Being Comfortable In My Own Skin…

I’d like to say that I took a great photo of myself wearing my blue sleeveless dress today but that’s not the case. I can say I wore the dress without a sweater and that’s progress. I can say this photo of me taking a work break pool side of my legs would not have happened in the not so distant past and that would be very true. Again, progress. I can also say I like this photo of my legs.

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It’s taken time for me to be comfortable in my own skin and I’m not fully there yet. I have my own story. I have the shame behind gaining 100 lbs. in one year and people can’t believe I was ever that overweight but today I share a image of me from then with two of my friends…

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The me of then causes Body Dysmorphia issues for the me of now and I’m glad to say that lately I’ve realized most people will find flaws in their bodies. Yes, PCOS has made my body issues a wild adventure but I know many people have their own issues and demons they battle. I don’t want to let my insecurities keep me bundled up in the summer. I also know that 90% of the time what my arms look like really don’t mean anything to you. I’m my biggest judge. My goal is to continue not to care. My goal is to continue to enjoy girly clothes and enjoy the summer months like I should. It’s progress and I’m a beautiful work in progress.

Don’t Forget…

I almost forgot about me.  I was losing me more and more due to some issues and I didn’t realize they were so bad until I was in the hospital with my body shutting down.  I think a lot of us try and fix everything around us instead of taking care of ourselves, at least I do.  I want everything to look OK and not let anyone know there are problems.  I forgot about me.

I found me again because I was becoming mean trying to start over and still have everything look OK.  Through a little dance, a quick chance to runaway, a bath, and some time jumping on a bed I was able to have fun.  Never forget to have fun in the middle of the chaos.  Remember that if you aren’t 100% you are no good to anyone around you.

What are little things that you do to take care of you?

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Being the parent of a bullied child…

My daughter was bullied. Simply put in just those few words.

Bullied by over 200 students because a sixth grade English teacher decided it was OK to discuss this one teacher and my daughter felt comfortable telling her “He hit me”.

“He” admitted to hitting her.  “She” was harassed by students and parents told me “But he gives recommendations to the high schools for (No need to put it in, this isn’t really about him or what he taught)

It wasn’t until we received death threats that my LMFT husband who is very calm threatened the principal with suing that he was (a) only suspended for 2 days and (b) this helped the teacher to decide to leave the school altogether.  That’s great right?  Wrong.

Flash forward a couple of years.  My daughter is now in 8th grade, getting great grades, and warming up to a few, yes only a few people.  She prefers to not go out and her friends, close ones are ones from elementary school who didn’t go to middle school with her for sixth grade.  She has a hard time trusting people and I…..

Worry more than I think people think I should that my daughter will self harm again or kill herself.  Dramatic, no.  This lovely 13 year old girl has self harmed and she’s smart so she did it in places she thought I’d never look….when I saw my eye brow shaping tool in the shower….I looked.  I cried, I got angry, and I hated “him”.

I’m always afraid of someone or people bullying her again.  She’s in therapy weekly and her therapist said “I” need to heal too.  Didn’t really think that “I” needed to heal because I was too busy taking care of her.

I remember her coming home from school crying all the time, finding food she said she was eating in her trash because they all called her fat, her way of dressing going from caring to not at all because she was being called ugly, her friends abandoning her because who wants to be friends with the girl everyone hated, and her thinking it might be better if she were dead.  The fact she thought that a couple of times was more than enough times for me.

I cried….I yelled at some kids….I felt targeted…I felt let down by her school…why didn’t I do more?

I was afraid what would happen to my daughter.  She was already being bullied, imagine if I did more.

What brings up all these old feelings?  My daughter thinks this boy is cute and they’re friends, only friends.  He told her that another girl who she thought was her friend told him to ask out my daughter.  He asked her why and she said “So you can break up with her and break her heart”….

Her tears and my fear came right back again.  I spent yesterday worried all day.  Worried would she hurt herself?  Worried what would happen at school?  Worried one day she’d kill herself.

Those were dark days in the past and she’s so much stronger and I have to let her cry and know that teenage girls really do suck at times and that she’s found ways to heal and that she has a woman she talks to weekly who is not me that she can share with and that she’s not the same sixth grader so scared and feeling alone.

I believe from my own personal experience that being the parent of a bullied child takes healing as well.  We feel the pain they go through and want to protect them and when they self harm we get in fear of the “What ifs?”   I have to get past that and know she’s not at that school and know that she’s doing great in her school and know that just because “ONE” bratty teenage girl is rude to her that it’s not sixth grade again….she’s OK and I have to trust that.  I have to heal.

Yes, I’m Doing That….

I know shocking that I’ve started out 2014 full force which means not much here but know my blog this year will be insightful and interesting to….I hope:

Women with PCOS, Moms/Dads of Teen Girls possessed by some strange crazy force causing them to talk loud and be evil (not really but boy they will act a bit evil), Moms/Dads of Young Boys who know they’re turning their mothers hair gray from sheer Superhero syndrome, Crafters, and those with Gluten & Dairy Allergies…OH and anyone who may catch a post that can relate to them.

For example of some things coming up…..

My review of the book “Let’s Get This Party Started” by Soleil Moon Frye.  I received it from the MoonFrye team with www.moonfrye.com I’ve loved how into the the community they are of us moms who enjoy apps and crafts.  Even moms like me with really not a creative bone in me but willing to see what comes of my crafting adventures.

Recipes OH my and ones that a super busy mom can handle in short periods of time that have to taste good too because they, we are all picky eaters.

Reviews of different 3 Yr. Old Superhero activities out and around So. Cal.  Getting rid of our Disneyland pass….A bit freeing and leaves time to explore.

How to budget and organize without going crazy because you’re too busy to put much effort into it.

Fighting PCOS one day at a time and the little tricks along the way. First up though running my first 10k tomorrow.  Jogging a way to fight my PCOS and running with my oldest and dearest friend is a added bonus.

You get it….I really want to make this the blog someone can turn to if they live a crazy life like mine.  Between work, A Teenager, A Little Boy, and Husband with a business I’m always on the go but I love the idea of keeping this blog and sharing my “Don’t make it too difficult secrets” along the way.

Stay tuned for 2014……

Day 307 – Out With The Old – 37th Year Photo/Moi Challenge

Today I bring you my new quilt in black and white. I finally got rid of the down comforter that I’ve loved for the past 11 years. It was a beautiful down comforter that had a very vintage feel. Still it finally needed to be replaced.

I searched for the perfect comforter BUT wasn’t willing to pay the prices for a nice one. SO….while looking for Halloween items at Cost Plus World Market I found this quilt and I love it. It’s actually quite warm and and a totally different scheme/feel.

I guess this also follows my year of change in my 37th year. Love the changes.

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Dairy & Artifical Sweetener Free Week Three

It’s been a little over three weeks since I cut out both Dairy & Artificial Sweeteners and here’s my little update:

  • I’ve woken up HEADACHE free for more than a week!  How awesome is that?  I don’t know if it’s the Dairy or the Diet Coke but still I’m afraid to try either now.
  • It’s been easier eating out.  I know the right questions to ask.  Fast food is out but I don’t enjoy it either so that’s not a problem.
  • I do feel deprived at times because I can’t have Gluten, Dairy, or Soy as instructed by my doctors for PCOS.  I’m also supposed to eat Low Glycemic.  I am allergic to beef (fine by me because it’s gross) plus other foods so I feel limited and I’m finding I just need to get creative in the kitchen again.  I’m great at altering recipes and now without Dairy I have to alter them a bit more and not feel so punished.
  • I’ve found a new love for Iced Tea at Restaurants and I carry my own Stevia so I don’t use sugar or artificial sweeteners while out.  Heck it came in handy for a friend Saturday night at dinner.
  • Spaghetti Sauce can contain Dairy.  Basically anything can so be careful if you are looking for Dairy in food.
  • I still have to eat no processed food.  It’s OK but dinners are never easy for our family of four.
  • I’m losing weight again.  I think cutting out the Diet Coke that bloated me has helped.
  • It gets easier.

That’s just it, it does get easier.  I don’t wish PCOS on anyone but it’s what I have and I want to live a long healthy life and if I need to eat a certain way, I just do.  I don’t think Diabetics enjoy having no sugar and it’s the same for me.  Doesn’t always make me happy but I’ve learned to live with it.

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