The 365 Day Me Challenge – Day 7 – Good Bye Twitter

In a effort to be kinder to me I’ve stayed off social media. That is except for my blog which goes to my Facebook page for my blog. I deleted all social media off my phone and games one week ago.

Yesterday I had to physically login to Twitter to delete my account. In the big scheme of things I was following about 200 people most who never posted and I had about 150 followers. I realized I didn’t really care to tweet. Especially this past week.

Being off social media has been really nice. I’ve done more that I love to do. Remember due to some life issues over the years I lost myself and I’m working to fully get me back.

I love ballet and reading and I’ve been able to do both. I’ve spent some real quality time with my kids this week. Today I’m posting so early because the kids and I have a Uber busy day of life planned.

I hope I stick to this social media disconnect because it really is freeing.

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Before & After

I have to remember how far I’ve come fighting PCOS. Each day I have to remember this disease only wants the worst for me. Each day I fight.

I’m by far not a skinny girl but I’m comfortable most days in my own skin. I wear a size 8 jeans, size 6 dress, I jog or hike, and love ballet. I eat gluten & dairy free and each day I own my disease.

Picture on the left was when I really started fighting PCOS and the one on the right from yesterday. In my face I really see a difference. I think it’s good to have before and after photos. Helps to keep things in perspective.

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Adventures in Bathing Suits

It’s no secret I am my worst critic when it comes to my body image.  I’ve had to work a lot of how I see myself since gaining and losing 100 lbs. in a year from PCOS.  Due to the rapid weight loss I have extra skin.  I hate my legs and I always have a hard time buying swimsuits because I feel a normal size suit won’t fit me or my legs won’t look right.

It’s also no secret that over the past year I’ve worked really hard on my body image and I will wear tank tops with no sweaters and spaghetti strap dresses.  This has been very hard for me but I want to be an example to others who’ve gone through rapid weight gain and loss that you can feel good about yourself.

Yesterday we went to get my husband compression shorts for running.  There was a 50% sale on swimsuits.  I decided to find one that wasn’t too big on me that I could wear while we are away with our kids in the mountains.  I found only one that I thought could work.  It was a size 10 and I was worried it wouldn’t fit.  Now I wear a size 6/8 dress but swimsuits are always oddly sized I’ve found.  I was so worried that the 10 wouldn’t fit BUT it did. .I even took this picture below of me wearing it.  This is very hard for me to do but my size doesn’t define me.  Neither does the way I feel my legs look.

I’ve found that I’m a good person.  I’m a honest person.  I’m a good mother, wife, and friend.  I’m a excellent employee.  I’m a giving person.  I’m known to be funny.  I’m a talker.  I’m a so so dancer but I love to dance. I’m a person who loves life.  These are the things that define me.  The more I remember that the easier living in my skin is.

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Being Comfortable In My Own Skin…

I’d like to say that I took a great photo of myself wearing my blue sleeveless dress today but that’s not the case. I can say I wore the dress without a sweater and that’s progress. I can say this photo of me taking a work break pool side of my legs would not have happened in the not so distant past and that would be very true. Again, progress. I can also say I like this photo of my legs.

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It’s taken time for me to be comfortable in my own skin and I’m not fully there yet. I have my own story. I have the shame behind gaining 100 lbs. in one year and people can’t believe I was ever that overweight but today I share a image of me from then with two of my friends…

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The me of then causes Body Dysmorphia issues for the me of now and I’m glad to say that lately I’ve realized most people will find flaws in their bodies. Yes, PCOS has made my body issues a wild adventure but I know many people have their own issues and demons they battle. I don’t want to let my insecurities keep me bundled up in the summer. I also know that 90% of the time what my arms look like really don’t mean anything to you. I’m my biggest judge. My goal is to continue not to care. My goal is to continue to enjoy girly clothes and enjoy the summer months like I should. It’s progress and I’m a beautiful work in progress.

Don’t Forget…

I almost forgot about me.  I was losing me more and more due to some issues and I didn’t realize they were so bad until I was in the hospital with my body shutting down.  I think a lot of us try and fix everything around us instead of taking care of ourselves, at least I do.  I want everything to look OK and not let anyone know there are problems.  I forgot about me.

I found me again because I was becoming mean trying to start over and still have everything look OK.  Through a little dance, a quick chance to runaway, a bath, and some time jumping on a bed I was able to have fun.  Never forget to have fun in the middle of the chaos.  Remember that if you aren’t 100% you are no good to anyone around you.

What are little things that you do to take care of you?

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Being the parent of a bullied child…

My daughter was bullied. Simply put in just those few words.

Bullied by over 200 students because a sixth grade English teacher decided it was OK to discuss this one teacher and my daughter felt comfortable telling her “He hit me”.

“He” admitted to hitting her.  “She” was harassed by students and parents told me “But he gives recommendations to the high schools for (No need to put it in, this isn’t really about him or what he taught)

It wasn’t until we received death threats that my LMFT husband who is very calm threatened the principal with suing that he was (a) only suspended for 2 days and (b) this helped the teacher to decide to leave the school altogether.  That’s great right?  Wrong.

Flash forward a couple of years.  My daughter is now in 8th grade, getting great grades, and warming up to a few, yes only a few people.  She prefers to not go out and her friends, close ones are ones from elementary school who didn’t go to middle school with her for sixth grade.  She has a hard time trusting people and I…..

Worry more than I think people think I should that my daughter will self harm again or kill herself.  Dramatic, no.  This lovely 13 year old girl has self harmed and she’s smart so she did it in places she thought I’d never look….when I saw my eye brow shaping tool in the shower….I looked.  I cried, I got angry, and I hated “him”.

I’m always afraid of someone or people bullying her again.  She’s in therapy weekly and her therapist said “I” need to heal too.  Didn’t really think that “I” needed to heal because I was too busy taking care of her.

I remember her coming home from school crying all the time, finding food she said she was eating in her trash because they all called her fat, her way of dressing going from caring to not at all because she was being called ugly, her friends abandoning her because who wants to be friends with the girl everyone hated, and her thinking it might be better if she were dead.  The fact she thought that a couple of times was more than enough times for me.

I cried….I yelled at some kids….I felt targeted…I felt let down by her school…why didn’t I do more?

I was afraid what would happen to my daughter.  She was already being bullied, imagine if I did more.

What brings up all these old feelings?  My daughter thinks this boy is cute and they’re friends, only friends.  He told her that another girl who she thought was her friend told him to ask out my daughter.  He asked her why and she said “So you can break up with her and break her heart”….

Her tears and my fear came right back again.  I spent yesterday worried all day.  Worried would she hurt herself?  Worried what would happen at school?  Worried one day she’d kill herself.

Those were dark days in the past and she’s so much stronger and I have to let her cry and know that teenage girls really do suck at times and that she’s found ways to heal and that she has a woman she talks to weekly who is not me that she can share with and that she’s not the same sixth grader so scared and feeling alone.

I believe from my own personal experience that being the parent of a bullied child takes healing as well.  We feel the pain they go through and want to protect them and when they self harm we get in fear of the “What ifs?”   I have to get past that and know she’s not at that school and know that she’s doing great in her school and know that just because “ONE” bratty teenage girl is rude to her that it’s not sixth grade again….she’s OK and I have to trust that.  I have to heal.